For Valentines Day, I had found this little heart decoration that I planned to leave at her grave, but I was afraid it would get ruined and I stuck it in her cactus instead. Every time I look at it and read the "Love you" written on it, I remember how many times people have told me that they thought of her 43 minutes as symbolic of her saying "Love you" to me (because back in the day, the code for "I love you" on pagers was 143 and it was like dropping the 1 and just saying the last two words)
So when I see the words on this heart, although I bought it for her, I hear the words from her to me. I know it sounds strange, but I'm just sharing the way my mind and heart work.
Then I also have this little bud vase I keep in the bathroom and I always put a single or a couple daisies in it when I get new ones for the kitchen. I had put a daisy in there and put it on the shelf next to the cactus.
Lastly, I have a little white clock. I had this on the shelf above the dryer for the longest time - it's supposed to help me keep track of time in the morning, which never helps, but it was a good idea. I had moved it to the shelf because it looked cute. Last week or so, I noticed it wasn't working and I picked it up and saw there was water in it. I asked the kids and they told me Asa had thrown it in the toilet (this is why I never read the page in "I'll love you forever" about the 2 year old throwing his mom's watch in the toilet!!) and they didn't know what to do, so they just put it back. I tossed it in the trash and a couple days later, I picked up a new one. (Thankfully they are only a couple bucks at Walmart) I put it on the shelf and planned to set it later because it required batteries and I didn't have any....
So tonight, I look at the clock and I literally almost stopped breathing. I had to get real close to make sure I was seeing it right. It's set at 10:27.
I looked to see if the minute hand was moving... maybe Matt put batteries in it... it is right about that time... nope, no batteries, not moving.... 10:27. How did I not notice this before?!
I looked behind it at the daisy flopped over in the bud vase and felt heavy at the thought of what 10:27 meant for Rachel... It was the beginning of her end... she was taken from the safe and comfy place inside me and put on a cold table with people all around her she didn't know - and then placed on my chest to die.
I looked up at the heart.... "Love you"
Be still my heart.....
I looked at the other side of the plant and saw the little plaque I have there.... "My peace I give unto you" it says....
and suddenly I feel like without even trying, I just made the most *perfect* little memorial shelf of Rachel's birthday...
My Christmas baby...10:27...a fading daisy... that loves me... and peace He gave unto me.
That was her day.
And every once in awhile, when I'm least expecting it...that Christmas cactus blooms for me.
And I suppose it's no coincidence that as I wrap up this post, it's 11:10....
43 minutes later, Ezra now in my arms,,,,
I know she loves me.