Friday, October 10, 2014

Love Her Locks

Rachel was born with a ton of long, dark hair in the back - and a little ringlet of the same resting in the middle of her forehead.

I brought my cutting shears with me to the hospital to take a piece of her hair home with me.  The hairdresser in me couldn't let just anyone with just any scissors cut my girl's hair.  I remember being so torn as I went to cut it because I felt like I was giving her a bad cut... I wanted a piece of it, but I didn't want to leave her with a bad haircut...  I know my hairdresser friends will understand.... so I took a small clip from right behind her little lamb ear and tried to make it as unnoticeable as possible.

Matt bought me a new pair of shears at one point not too long after... maybe that Christmas?  I'm not sure, but I still have the ones I gave Rachel her one and only bad haircut with....  And when it came time for Asa's first cut, I used them with her very heavy on my heart.  Of course, it took Asa a couple years to grow hair the length of Rachel's....

But my little E was there, his hair looking kind of scraggly...  so last week, I got out my hair bag to give him a trim... and I grabbed the same old shears and gave him his first haircut with her on my heart. ♥

And as I snipped, I set aside a few locks for his memory book.... a book he'll most likely get to see when he's older.  A book that won't just be for my memory, but also a keepsake for him, and maybe even his kids one day.  Something her lock of hair will never be for her.

Every little milestone is a reminder of what I never reached with Rachel... and yet, she is always there.  I looked at the photos Des took while I was cutting and in the one above, as I go to set aside the first lock from behind his ear, both of the tattoos I got for her are right there.  The words "My Girl" and "Alive" echo as I place each strand of hair aside to save for him... 

After we took a few pictures of him and told him how ridiculously cute he is, I went to look for Rachel's hair.  I had suddenly found myself nervous that I didn't know where it was.  I had put it away in her box when we put the house on the market and didn't remember.  I found it and as I took this photo, the words on the jar made me stop...  "Remember me"....  

Oh, how could I ever forget you, pretty girl?  My love for you will never fade... 
There isn't a lock of love on this earth that doesn't bring me right back to that day... December 4, 2010 when I gave my second daughter her first haircut.  Two months short of 4 years later, it's still as if it was yesterday in my mind and heart.  It still hurts.  It still makes me smile.  She had long, dark hair like all the others and I didn't miss my chance to give her a bad haircut...  because I think most moms do that to their child at least once. 

But what I wouldn't give to be able to run my fingers through her hair.  To be able to one day show her how dark and long it was.  To see if it turned blond like the others, or stay brown like Matt... To let her pass it down to her kids if she wanted - or to lose it like I did mine when I was a kid!

It's just hair, I know.  but for a girl without most of her skull, it's a pretty big deal.  And for the Mama that gave birth to her, it feels like the little bit of 'normal' that I so desperately needed in those days.  And now it's just a memory in a jar.... but my love is in that jar right along with it.  

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