It was Good Friday, 4/3. We know how I feel about Fridays and 43's...
It was also 4 years, 3 months, 4 weeks and 3 days since Rachel came and went.
I had an appointment for Asa in Dover and they scheduled it for 11:10. The time Rachel died.
I went to Rachel's grave to decorate for Good Friday and Easter and when I left, I got two texts within a few minutes of each other that friends were either thinking about going there - or already there. She was on people's minds ♥ I love that.
|Wish Matt was in this one... the boys are sitting on Tupperware I had in my truck|
because the ground is really wet still. Love these guys so much.
I had Sam's OT apt as well - OT has been helping him a TON and been a huge blessing from God. I don't even know how I ended up there with him (a mis-diagnosis of Tourette's!) but it's been the only thing that has helped him at all - and the insurance code for his visits is 430.
This number game God gave us all day not only gave us both the opportunity to share with people at stores and while Matt was working about Rachel and how God is with us, but it also served as an amazing reminder that her life went exactly how it was supposed to.
God knew this day over 4 years later would line up like this. He knew I'd notice. And the only reason I noticed was because I have the ticker on my blog that counts days, weeks, months and years and I was on my blog the night before. Otherwise I wouldn't have noticed because once Friday came, it changed the counter to 4 weeks since it counts from that first Friday. But the night before it said this...
I had so many days of sadness that she didn't live longer. I wanted to bring her home in the worst way. I wanted her to prove people wrong - to be more 'compatible with life' than they gave her credit for... But God knew all along that He was going to show His faithfulness in a million little ways with that time span between 10:27 and 11:10. A minute more or a minute less and none of this would have added up today. It doesn't make it hurt less that she is gone, but it does continue to help me trust Him through it all. It overwhelms me with the thought of "who am I that He is mindful of me...?" (Psalm 8:4)
I started getting letters from the hospital weeks ago saying the kids' genetic testing wasn't covered by insurance... 5 nice bills were waiting for my payment. I called this week to start the appeal process and when I got a call back on Friday, the woman from Frisbie said "Insurance doesn't cover those tests, but we're going to go ahead and take care of that for you so you can throw those away." Stunned, I asked what I had to do and she said nothing. No application for assistance, no special request, send no payment... the debt was just wiped clean. You can imagine how thankful I was. They didn't have to do that for me and I technically owed the money, even if it didn't make sense I had to pay it.... all it took was me acknowledging my need for and requesting their help.
Now pause for a moment and think about the debt Jesus paid for me... every one of my sins wiped clean on a debt I could never pay myself. I did nothing to earn the favor, just acknowledged my need and requested His help. He paid it ALL.
This Truth can be yours, too.
I'm not sure I've ever explained the crosses I had put on Rachel's stone. We got the three crosses that represent the cross Jesus and the two thieves hung on, on that Friday all those years ago... Actually, I saw the crosses on a picture frame my friend Melissa had with her baby girl Amelia in it and used that to show the memorial company what I was hoping for. Our girls both had anencephaly and she was one of my best friends through those hardest days. When I look at the crosses on our stone, I always think of Amelia too. ♥
The reason I wanted the three crosses is because when Jesus hung on the cross, He asked God the Father why He had forsaken him and just before He died, He cried out "It is Finished". Those crosses are a constant reminder that Friday was hard, but Sunday is coming... He has victory over death and we will see her again in paradise.
As I stood on that ground every Friday for over 3 years straight, enveloped in the pain of death, I was always encouraged by the truth that this is not the end for those who die in Christ. Surrendering the pain to him and in him was the biggest faith builder I have ever experienced. Not that things turned out how I wanted, but that I learned how close and good He is to me in the deepest valleys.
Which brings me to our Good Friday service at church... it was such a sweet time of worship and I was humbled in gratitude of all that Christ did for me so that I don't have to ever die. I got really sad thinking about all the people I love who don't know Him. I swear, it's like having survivor's guilt. Why me and not them? It's not like I deserve it or even went searching for it... for Him... He came and got me... when will He go get them? What if He doesn't? It puts a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes even thinking about it....
Every year at this time we remember the cross and celebrate the resurrection - but this year I am seriously overwhelmed by it all. Like, completely broken over Christ's death and His suffering - and knowing he did it for *me* - as in for every sin I ever committed before knowing him - the horrible things I did... all of it - and since knowing him... and for the rest of my life... knowing that I still mess up every single day in so many ways - externally and internally. And He loves me? And enough to speak to me in such an intricate way that He lines up numbers and sends me people and writes of financial debt... all if only to just give me a *glimpse* of what He has truly done for me.
"Amazing Grace, how can it be, that You, my King, would die for me? Amazing Love, I know it's true - and it's my joy to honor You, in all I do... let me honor You."
I hope you all have an amazing Easter - and if you don't know the Lord, I pray that this Easter you would allow him to enter into your brokenness and let him be your God. We all have 'Fridays' - days that are more than we can handle alone. But when the Fridays bring pain-filled questions, where do you get your answers and to who or what do you set your eyes on? Let it be Jesus and you will never regret it.
Fridays are hard, but Sunday is coming.