Oh my God
He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear
His promise is true
My God will come through always
I didn't realize I was all that scared. But it was as if before I had the chance to identify that I was scared, He was already comforting me in my fear.
I'm not completely sure if I was crying because I'm so thankful that He is attentive to my heart in that way - or if it was because I know just how likely it is that between now and Christmas, something could happen and I could lose another Christmas baby.
I think it was both.
On Sunday night, I had a very real and vivid dream that I was miscarrying. It was so real, I woke up unsure if it had happened or not. Monday night, as I got ready for bed, I saw that I was spotting. Years ago, I had dreams about Rachel's ultrasound revealing she was dead 3 times before her ultrasound when we heard she would die, so it was hard not to assume that my dream was God preparing me for what was to come.
I don't know how to say what I am about to say without sounding slightly... I don't know, wrong? So, I'm just going to lay it out.... I almost felt like it didn't matter. I had prayed many times that if I'm going to lose this baby, to let it be from miscarriage and not because of anencephaly or some other fatal birth defect that causes me to put my baby in a box and watch someone bury it with dirt.
Anyway, I finished in the bathroom and I got ready for bed. As I did, I was kind of surprised by my calmness and I tried to figure out if my heart would break or not if I woke up and it was obvious this baby was leaving me. I felt confident that if I was losing this baby to miscarriage, I would be ok. That maybe God was just answering my prayer to spare me from going through what I went through with Rachel again. I stood in my living room lost in thought and only two things came to mind.... so I said them both out loud...
"I love you little one, no matter how long you stay."
"Regardless of how this goes Lord, I know you know best and I trust You."
I got into bed and I slept. Good. He gave me rest.
I woke up with my ultrasound that was scheduled for later that day on my mind. I wasn't looking forward to it. I knew there was a good chance I would go and hear bad news.... but I also remembered the assurance he had given me in that first week of knowing I was pregnant.
Before I had seen the blood the night before, I thought that I would ask Des to go with me to the ultrasound. It was at Maine Med, which ends up taking 5 hours + out of the day for an appointment and I thought Des would like the girl time. After I saw the blood, I questioned if I should bring her. I thought, if it's bad news, this could make every ultrasound SHE ever has in her lifetime hard. But again I was reminded to not fear...and so I invited her. I warned her that there was a chance the baby wasn't ok and that it might not be a happy trip and my brave girl said she still wanted to come. I heard her in the other room telling the boys "I'm going with Mama to the ultrasound to see if the baby is okay." and I realized just how much she is learning along with me. I like to think she is learning a thing or two about courage and not taking life for granted....that maybe she is learning how to step out of the boat and not fear.
We got into the ultrasound and within two minutes, there was a tiny beating heart on the screen as we peeked into the sacred space we call my womb. I breathed a sigh of relief but was unaware of how far I was from accepting this pregnancy as 'real' until we were on the way home well over two hours later.
This song was playing on the radio and I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion... I'm pregnant, I thought... and I just cried. I couldn't even put words to it right then, but as that moment has replayed throughout this week, I think I understand more now....
I miss being able to play music on my blog posts, and would totally have this song playing in the background if I could - so play this while you read the rest!
The video I posted on my announcement post Facing My Giants had the same theme of the ocean being too big for us to conquer - our feet fail - yet with our eyes on Jesus, we can walk on it.
Think about what it would feel like to step out of a boat and try to walk on the ocean. If you can lose yourself in that thought for a moment, you can feel how scary and powerless - and absolutely failing - that would be.