I got lost in thought about Rachel and like the beginning of the song says... all the things we asked for... that we didn't get.
Sorrow fills my heart regularly, even still. I miss my sweet Rachel Alice every single day. I just have figured out ways to walk with my pain internally and not always allow it to flow out... out where others know. But it's still there - thankfully it's been seasoned with lots of love from others, many days of heartache I thought would kill me that I made it through, and a million love notes from God to reassure me that no matter how alone I feel, I'm not.
This ride to Maine with my little Eden Joy was one of those love notes from God. My blood pressure was still reading 187/101 even on 400 mg of meds 3 times a day and they were talking about needing to admit me in the hospital again so that they could give me IV meds to reduce my numbers. I wanted to be home like you can't imagine. All I wanted was to be home with my baby.
For MONTHS leading up to Eden's birth, the thermometer in my truck read 43 degrees at every appointment! But the day after we came home with her, winter seemed to finally arrive and it got cold. On my way to this appointment, it was only 23 degrees.
So, as I was driving and Laura Story's song came on, my mind went back to Rachel and all the hard, painful days. A few lines into the song, just as it said "All the while, you hear each spoken need - you love us way too much to give us lesser things."
I looked out my window and the car next to me had this for a plate: