Monday, September 30, 2013

My Chains are Gone

Today marks 12 years that I have been free from the chains of addiction....

I've recently heard that there are people around me who are being misinformed about my past.  I personally think my past is colorful enough without having to make anything up. I'm surprised anyone would believe it since I'm not exactly a private person.  I'm all for sharing the darkness that God removed from my life. (and the darkness I still struggle with, too. Because I am far from perfect)  I'm not proud of it, but I no longer carry shame either.  So, just in case anyone is wondering this,  I am not and never was a prostitute - and I met Matt after we were both clean, so no, he wasn't my drug dealer pimp.  Yes, we both had drug problems. Yes we met in rehab, yes we both did jail time. (all before we were believers)  And yes, we both have been rescued from that and don't ever want to go back. Yes, we take the Bible seriously.  If that makes us "Holier than thou", I'm okay with that.  I'm not ashamed of the Gospel that saved my life.

I want so much to pour my heart out on this day over what God saved me from. But I'm so mentally and emotionally preoccupied - and I know I've said it all before on different days - that I'm going to just re-share a couple of old posts that came to mind.  I'd love it if you'd take a few minutes to read them to truly understand what today means for me and what God has done for us.  I'd also really love it, if you have any questions, that you would ask me directly.  I promise to not be offended.  It's a lot worse to hear that everyone is believing lies than it would be if you just asked me. 

So, there were two posts that came to my mind today.  One is titled "Jesus Christ" and it's interesting that I recently posted that on the day of Jay's stroke, His name - Jesus Christ - were the only words I could utter....  Then, the other day on the "Pray for Jay" Facebook page, I wrote Psalm 116 - and it is quoted in the post titled "My Dirty Laundry - Washed by God"where I talk about the end of my battle with drugs. 

Both Desirae and I are in the video I posted at the bottom of that post... if you don't have time for the whole thing, I'm at about 3.5 minutes and she's at about 6 minutes into the film.  On my part, I am standing in front of the jail where I was sentenced to and on hers, we are here and it's me, Matt, Isaiah and Sam in the background... they were still so small...

I do mention in one of these posts that I had fear over the fact that some will take my willingness to be transparent and use it against me for their own motives.  I got a little sad when I read that because I have never experienced that to the degree I am feeling it right now - and it's hard.  But I just keep holding on to what I know to be true....

My life was horrible.  And even with the pain I feel in the trials I endure now, it's still so much better than it was when I didn't have Him.  And that is all because He pursued me, made me His and He is stronger than any stronghold I have ever had. And He is bigger than any enemy that will rise against me.

Someone told me yesterday in an attempt to make me feel better about my niece, "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle" and I strongly disagree.  I think He doesn't give me any more than HE can handle....  and exactly that which will help me to remember how much I need Him.  Because without Him... I've got nothing.

My Chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior
has ransomed me
And like a flood
His mercy reigns
Unending Love
Amazing Grace.


  1. I clicked "Smiling" because I am so proud of you for making it 12 years! Love you!

  2. "I think He doesn't give me any more than HE can handle..." I was thinking exactly the same last week as I thought about you and Rachel and Jay and all the "Why's" your, in every life...
    12 years, wow! God is good!!! :-)
    Love and prayers, anja


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