My Todays

So, I've been feeling like a post is due... and yet I feel so unsure of what to say.

How many different ways can I say the same thing? 

And how can I share about how I keep Rachel in my todays without sounding like I'm stuck in a rut a refusing to heal?  I've been accused.  I've heard some think that my keeping a blog is 'dumb'...... are they heartless?  Maybe.  Or maybe they just don't get it.  I guess I can see why it would be hard for someone who has never put their own child in the ground to understand why almost 3 years later, I still feel like it was yesterday at times.  I wish I had their problems and no blog.

 When I was pregnant with Rachel, there were so many blogs I followed of people just like me.   But most of them continued writing for a little while and then a little at a time drifted from it.  Believe me when I say, that does not mean that they have found that 'healed' place that some think exist.... just because they aren't writing it, doesn't mean they aren't feeling it.  This is bittersweet for me - because while I know for a fact that so many moms like me appreciate that I keep writing and identify with so much of what I say and I'm thankful that I can be that safe place for them.... it is really hard to not have any to read from that remind me that I'm not alone... that I'm not crazy.... or stuck in a rut.... or being dumb.  I could probably find plenty blogs of people at my place on this journey, but honestly, I don't have time for the search or the desire to make new connections as strange as that may sound.  And to a certain extent I really just miss hearing from the moms and babies that I came to know and love through Rachel.  Because in my day to day life.... it's just me and my loss. And in a way, they are part of my journey with her and I hate that it all just keeps getting further away.....

And so on that note, I guess I feel like for blog purposes, I should say a little bit about what it's like to be a mom of a dead baby 2 years and 9 months after her death. So here it goes....

In my daily life, I don't shed a lot of tears over Rachel.  I know based on what I write, it may appear that I cry about her all the time, but I obviously don't write about every minute of my life - and this blog is where I process the hard stuff, so that is going to appear to be the way it always is... but it's not.  I cry when I need to, and sometimes I need to but I just don't have time.  I am blessed to have a very busy and full house, but it doesn't leave much room for grieving when I need to and that can be hard.  I find myself sucking it up and holding it in a lot just because it can feel even more lonely to let it out and have people look at me like they are confused. 

I do, however, think about Rachel constantly.  If I was to try to give you an idea.... I'd say every minute might be an exaggeration because I have so many other things I have to oversee... but it's pretty close.  I'm pretty sure she is still most days the first thing I think of when I open my eyes and the last before I close them at night.  When I wake to go to the bathroom in the night or to feed or change the baby.... Rachel.... In some ways that sucks.  In other ways, it's beautiful.  I guess I have never known a love and longing so deep before - and I'm so thankful to experience this.  I know with all that I am that knowing her and walking this journey has been a gift that has brought me so many blessings I could have never had any other way.  But I will say that on some days when I look at my wall and her photos or think of all I do in her memory, or get overwhelmed with all I have to do to keep her memory alive..... I just wish she wasn't dead.  Even on good days, the heaviness of her death lingers and I don't believe I will ever be separate from that.  It's part of me.

I've sat and looked at pictures and heard myself say "I can't believe she's dead."  and some days I really can't.  I can't believe that this is really my reality. 

Other days I think of it and it feels so real that the pain is unbearable....

Sill others, I wonder how it ever got to the point where I could make it through a day without emotion over her.

And sometimes I go from one to the other within moments of each other.

I hurt, I cry, I laugh, I remember, I rejoice, I regret, I love, I miss, I long for heaven.

Some times, as I do my every day stuff.... from cleaning - to groceries - to playing with the kids - I feel the constant weight of the fact that I will never be the same. 

I have been thinking a lot lately about when I was young.... the simplicity of it...  the way it felt to have and keep my first child... second child.... to only have the 'normal' motherly fears.  To do 'normal' things and have 'normal' conversations.  I grieve the ignorance that I had and hate that I can't still have mindless conversations like others can do.  Some days what I miss the most is the ability to dream about my future fearlessly.   To look at my children and not wonder if I will see them grow a day past this one. 

But I think the hardest part at this point is that I can feel her drifting away.  I know she has been gone for a long time, but I mean in the people who helped keep her feeling alive with me.  I used to get hundreds of emails/letters each week - and even some phone calls from strangers! - telling me of different ways she was changing the world - their worlds.  People were moved by her life and they couldn't hold it in.  I made some of the best friends I have through emails like that or by responding to cards I got in the mail....  If ever there was a day that I couldn't see God in this, if ever I felt she was being forgotten, there was always something, someone....  and these days that just isn't the case. 

To make it even more complex, I know that all those things were unbelievable and rare in the first place and I'm just so thankful for the time I did have them.... and I don't take any of that for granted or think I deserved it, because I know I didn't.  I don't want to come across as feeling entitled.  But it's so painful to see the change... to see fewer people remembering her -  to talk to people and know that they don't read about her anymore - that they have moved past an interest in how I am making it through my days.  Or maybe my writing is just not as interesting as it used to be.  Maybe my words don't leave people with the same desire to see what's next.  Maybe they are tired of 'listening' to me say how much I miss her.  Or maybe it's because it never had anything to do with my writing at all, but with what God was doing in the lives of others through her and he's already accomplished it.... Or maybe it's just because she is gone....she's been gone... she's not coming back.... and life goes on....

And besides, how many different ways can I say the same thing?