"People don't get it. They don't get grief.... God is teaching me to keep being the bigger person, and to learn to live with being lonely......
Sometimes I think the loneliness is worse than the grief, and that is the true thorn we must bear until heaven."
Every time I read her words, my heart screams "Yes! I get that."
I've had so many people say to me that they are 'so glad that I found support on line'.... and I am too, but you know what? I'm surrounded by everyone HERE. I'm surrounded by people who are glad when I find someone else who can support me.
And that is lonely.
But as we wrote back and forth, my fingertips spoke across the miles....
"Just remember that in your lonely times, God is always there and He never grows weary of your burdens and he will always be strong enough to carry them with and for you - and He loves you unconditionally."
And as I finished up talking with her... one of my long distance friends who gets "it"... my support from behind a screen.... the song Everlasting God came on. It was one that always encouraged me through my pregnancy with Rachel - I believe it's even on the CD we made and handed out at her baby shower...
Every. Single. Time I listen to this song, the words that stir my heart to cry out in praise are the words "Our God, You reign forever, Our Hope, Our strong Deliverer....You do not faint, You won't grow weary. You're the Defender of the weak, You comfort those in need"
OK, so it's the whole song!!!
This is for all my friends (now and to come) who know this loneliness...
I *know* it hurts. I know it's hard and I know the road is long. I know how alone a full room can feel. I know. I feel it. I live it. I hate it too.
But I cling to the Truth that Our God is an EVERLASTING GOD... He doesn't ever grow weary of my heavy heart. He doesn't love me any less. He doesn't want to get away from me or be with someone more 'happy'. He is CLOSE to the brokenhearted. He is full of COMPASSION and He is aware of our suffering. When everyone around me is blind to the burning rage in my heart....when another shoulder turns away at my approaching....when I watch a group of people talking and laughing and grieve that I will never be fully present in a moment like that again....when their eyes widen in discomfort at the mention of her name.... When I grow weary in this loneliness and pain....
He doesn't run. He doesn't leave. He doesn't hide his face. He doesn't stop loving me.
In those valleys, deep and dark and stricken with grief.... when we can't find the words and friends grow tired of carrying our burdens.... He is ENOUGH.
My sweet friends, He IS all we need. This world will always fail us. But He never will.
And tomorrow, you can remind me of that.
Love you ladies.... and I am here no matter how long or deep your valley, no matter how heavy your burden. No matter how many times you say the same thing. No matter how complicated or unhappy you feel. And I know that in those valleys, we will become more like Christ and grow closer to our Everlasting God.
So next time you feel the loneliness in the aftermath of your loss... look up to the heavens and say "Jesus, I'm lonely" and hear Him whisper...."I AM with you."