The Life Inside

Another emotional worship yesterday.  The song that got my heart about jumping from my chest has these lyrics...

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
constant in the trial and the change

One thing remains

Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me

Because on and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelmes and satisfies my soul
And I'll never, ever, have to be afraid

One thing remains

In death
In life
I'm confident and covered by the Power of Your great love

My dept is paid
There's nothing that can separate
My heart from Your great love

 

(One Thing Remains - Jesus Culture)

 

 

I talked after church to my friend Sue and found myself in tears as I talked about how I have been walked out on by so many people in my life. (from my childhood until now)  We only have 2 people all together in our families - my mom and sister - who are consistently here for us, for the big and small things, and who love us unselfishly, unconditionally and without judgement.  Through the loss of Rachel, our family and friends have dwindled even more.  We've been left behind and written off over and over.  Some unintentionally because they don't know how to handle us and some intentionally because they aren't happy with how we've handled ourselves. And some relationships still sort of exist, but will never be the same.  It's been one loss after another.  But the Only One who has been a solid, firm, constant Source of Love in my life is God.  And that Love was made clearer and more beautiful as I've wept over Rachel....unlike so many of my earthly relationships that were not able to love me through this darkness, God did - and still does.  He stayed by me at whatever distance I needed and was waiting with open arms whenever I decided I needed to be closer.  He hasn't moved on from me.  He Remains.

This morning on the way to work, the song played again on the radio and I found myself just as lost in the beauty of His faithfulness as I did on Sunday morning. And in tears again.

 

I had been reading in 2 Corinthians out of Matt's bible at breakfast. It says:  God has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee.

 

I looked at the footnotes and it talks about what a 'guarantee' is.... that it is something you are given that promises the remaining payment in full at a later time.  (I'm totally paraphrasing cause I don't have his bible here with me, he brought it with him - it said it much better than I can) But of course, my mind wanders to how many times I have said "there is no guarantee" when talking about babies and children.  The part I would not have gotten had I not seen his notes, is this.... The "guarantee" in this verse is that He will bring us to heaven at a later time.  The Spirit is what we are given that confirms that promise is ours.  Proof that we belong to Him and will live with Him in heaven.  It's our guarantee.  The only true guarantee in life.

 

So, as I drove to work and listened to the lyrics again about my God Who is "constant in the trial and the change" and with my ultrasound being tomorrow where I will go see if my baby has a head.... the only word that kept coming to my mind is Life.  There is a life inside me....my baby....who comes with no guarantee.  And the is a Life inside me....my Jesus....Who does come with a guarantee.  And I can't imagine facing ANY of these past few years - or anything I have ahead - without Him or not having the promise of eternity in heaven.

 

I'm so thankful that my faith was proven genuine through each moment that I have had to choose to run away or run into His arms.  When I've had to decide if I was going to blame Him or allow Him to comfort me and use me.  And I know that isn't of me... it's all Him... all His Spirit in me... promising me eternity.... guaranteeing me Life.  Being everything I need in the exact moment I need it so that I can bring glory to Him and do His work.

As the song played this morning, I thought back to the days when I could play music on my blog and wished I still could. I knew this post was coming and wanted to play that song for you. Then I got back and there was a message for me that said she had gone to my blog and the music was playing!  So, I guess it's back!!  I was so excited.... and I opened it to see what song was at the beginning since I changed it so often.  It was "I will carry you".....

I fell into tears again.... because I've realized something this week.  When I see other status updates about being excited to get ultrasounds, I get irritated.  And when I schedule my own, I want to puke.  I always thought it was because I'm afraid - that I hate that this isn't as simple for me as it can be for others.... but I don't think that's it completely.  I really feel like everything is ok with this baby, but what happens to me when I walk into an ultrasound is I re-live the entire day of Rachel's diagnosis.  It all floods back and it hurts like it's happening now.  And so that song coming back on the day before my 'big' ultrasound... the one 'normal' people don't even need at 12 weeks....made me feel like I was pregnant with her all over again.  I hate it and miss it at the same time.  I can't listen to "I will carry you" (it was the only song on my blog for a while) without thinking of those first couple of months... the pain, the fear, the sadness, the hurt.... the unbelievable beauty and closeness of God.

And so I couldn't change the song.  I tried, but I couldn't.  I needed to leave Rachel's song... although as I write that, I realize that I loved her in the same way Jesus loves me and I pray that she felt the way I refused to give up on her too.  I pray that she knew that she could count on me, my love, and that not even death could separate her heart from my love for her..... and so maybe this IS one of Rachel's songs too.  She has many in my heart, all reminding me of different times along this journey and the many different emotions I have felt along the way.  (And I'm just hearing the song after "I will carry you".... if you're reading by email, you should really go to my actual blog and listen to these lyrics... it's unreal the timing of the songs coming back on and the order in which they did!)

Her life inside me didn't come with a guarantee like the Holy Spirit's does.... but it certainly gave me a new hope and new understanding of that Life.  Eternal Life. 

Please pray for me tomorrow.  My ultrasound is at 10:15, but I don't get the results until my appointment at 11:00....although I will most likely have no problem reading the screen myself, it will feel good to hear the official "Everything looks good".  I never thought I'd EVER have to wonder if my baby had a head....  my, how life has changed.

Here's the video, I recommend listening to it as loud as you can with your eyes closed....and keep tissues nearby :)