Stronger than the power of the grave
constant in the trial and the change
One thing remains
Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me
Because on and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelmes and satisfies my soul
And I'll never, ever, have to be afraid
One thing remains
I'm confident and covered by the Power of Your great love
My dept is paid
There's nothing that can separate
My heart from Your great love
This morning on the way to work, the song played again on the radio and I found myself just as lost in the beauty of His faithfulness as I did on Sunday morning. And in tears again.
As the song played this morning, I thought back to the days when I could play music on my blog and wished I still could. I knew this post was coming and wanted to play that song for you. Then I got back and there was a message for me that said she had gone to my blog and the music was playing! So, I guess it's back!! I was so excited.... and I opened it to see what song was at the beginning since I changed it so often. It was "I will carry you".....
I fell into tears again.... because I've realized something this week. When I see other status updates about being excited to get ultrasounds, I get irritated. And when I schedule my own, I want to puke. I always thought it was because I'm afraid - that I hate that this isn't as simple for me as it can be for others.... but I don't think that's it completely. I really feel like everything is ok with this baby, but what happens to me when I walk into an ultrasound is I re-live the entire day of Rachel's diagnosis. It all floods back and it hurts like it's happening now. And so that song coming back on the day before my 'big' ultrasound... the one 'normal' people don't even need at 12 weeks....made me feel like I was pregnant with her all over again. I hate it and miss it at the same time. I can't listen to "I will carry you" (it was the only song on my blog for a while) without thinking of those first couple of months... the pain, the fear, the sadness, the hurt.... the unbelievable beauty and closeness of God.
And so I couldn't change the song. I tried, but I couldn't. I needed to leave Rachel's song... although as I write that, I realize that I loved her in the same way Jesus loves me and I pray that she felt the way I refused to give up on her too. I pray that she knew that she could count on me, my love, and that not even death could separate her heart from my love for her..... and so maybe this IS one of Rachel's songs too. She has many in my heart, all reminding me of different times along this journey and the many different emotions I have felt along the way. (And I'm just hearing the song after "I will carry you".... if you're reading by email, you should really go to my actual blog and listen to these lyrics... it's unreal the timing of the songs coming back on and the order in which they did!)
Her life inside me didn't come with a guarantee like the Holy Spirit's does.... but it certainly gave me a new hope and new understanding of that Life. Eternal Life.
Please pray for me tomorrow. My ultrasound is at 10:15, but I don't get the results until my appointment at 11:00....although I will most likely have no problem reading the screen myself, it will feel good to hear the official "Everything looks good". I never thought I'd EVER have to wonder if my baby had a head.... my, how life has changed.
Here's the video, I recommend listening to it as loud as you can with your eyes closed....and keep tissues nearby :)