Friday, June 21, 2013

First Day of Summer

I woke up today knowing I needed to get to Rachel.  I didn't go last week and I've felt it the last couple of days.  I looked at my pregnancy ticker.... "43 days left to go!"

Of course it would be.....

Picking up where we left off yesterday.... this first day of summer without Rachel...  we hopped in the van to go get her something new for her grave, and Isaiah starts right back in...

"It's actually like Rachel *is* spending the summer with us."  He said.

I asked what he meant and he said, "Well, she can look down on us and see where we are and she's having her own summer in heaven.... and it's even better than our summer."

I love this kid.

The conversation got a little harder when he asked if I wanted to go to heaven to spend summer with Rachel.  I said no because I wanted to stay with them and he asked if I loved them more than her.  I said I loved them the same, but she doesn't need me and they still do... I said she is well taken care of.  He asked "who would take care of Asa if you died?"  I said Daddy would.  "But Daddy has to work so who would while he is at work?" 

Does he have to think things like this through so much?  I mean, the child thought it made sense to give an underdog on a 4 person bench swing with 3 kids riding it.... he obviously doesn't think everything through.... why this? 

All I could say was "I don't know, but I know God would take care of it."

It was a good enough answer for him..... thank You Lord!

We've been listening to country music the last couple of days and the song on the radio, although about a summer with a girl, made me think of the time I had with Rachel here... how quickly it went, how bittersweet it was, how I couldn't slow down time and every moment I felt her slipping away... until she was gone.

"But the sun keeps setting' and the days go fast
And the sand on the beach is like an hourglass
I can just feel it slipping away
And I can already say that
As long I live, whatever I do
As great as it is, you know what's a bummer
I ain't ever gonna beat this summer with you
baby it's true
The taste of your kiss is so bittersweet
There ain't no way I'm gonna beat this summer with you"

After Matt got home and we had dinner, we all went and got ice cream and went to set up Rachel's new stuff.  It was a rough visit to the cemetery...  the roughest I have EVER had....
Ice cream on the way...

Before everything fell apart :)
The kids were running around and Des tripped.  She hurt herself and when she stood up, she fell straight backwards and hit her head off the ground and passed out.  I've seen Asa's eyes roll back enough times to not be too phased when it happens after he holds his breath, but Desirae... and because of an injury...never... 
So there we were all hovered over her trying to figure out if she had a head injury.  She said she felt like she needed to puke and the boys got so scared they started crying - everyone was saying they wanted to go home and at that point, we had everything ripped out of Rachel's spot and nothing set up.  Des sat in the van the rest of the time and the boys ran around.... then Sam got hurt... out comes the 1st aid kit....  We get him all bandaged up and I hear from the van "Asa's bleeding too!" (of course, he's the only one who didn't cry about it! He's such a brute!)  He had scratched his leg somewhere along the line and I just had to laugh....
I said "We better buckle up Isaiah cause he's the only one left without and injury and I don't want to risk it"  And then I look up and the child is standing on top of my van.  I sounded exactly like my mother when I said, "Get down from there, I do NOT want to spend the night in the hospital!"  I was convinced before we left someone was going to seriously hurt themselves and we'd end up in the ER!
Finally, all injuries and close calls seemed to be at bay and we got back to setting up her stuff.  I was so hot, I'm so huge, I am completely exhausted, the flowers are dry and the water was shut off cause we were there at night so I couldn't water them, this is the first time I've been in 2 weeks (the longest I've EVER gone), and I couldn't get the daisy lights to string back up like I had planned....
My arms were up in the air trying to reach the top of her new shepherd hook and I got so out of breath as I struggled with this floral wire and it just came bursting out....
"I'm so sick of decorating a grave."
I hung my head and started crying.  I felt so defeated by this trip - so worn out - so discouraged.... it's just been a hard week of grieving and this was the straw that broke the camels back. 
Matt started trying to help me and through my tears, I figured out a solution.  I'm thankful that even in the hardest times, God has put something deep down in me that makes me persevere rather than pack up and go home. I needed to accomplish this. As I clipped the daisy lights to her hanging plant basket instead of the hook, Matt kept saying "Oh, that looks really cute..." which in itself was really cute cause he just wanted me to feel better. 
But in the end, it does look really cute.... for a grave on the first day of summer anyway.
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  1. I love it!!! Where did you get the hanging lanterns?

    I'm with ya on being tired of decorating a grave. The only difference, you continue to do it. I gave in and threw my hands up a long time ago. I barely even glance towards Erik's stone when we're at church now. I don't know why, but I just can't do it.

    1. I got the lanterns at Lowes - they came 4 in a box with two options for holders, I used to have them just sticking out of the ground on little spikes, but the cemetery wasn't cleaning up around them good, so I'm hoping this will help keep it clean cut (I hate sloppy) I keep two of them here in her garden. I always like to have the same things here and there so I know what condition things are in. I have the same plant here too as the one above her stone. I like to know how lit up her spot is at night. Always makes me feel better if it isn't really dark there - as if she cares...

      I can relate to the change in heart about Erik's stone and I think it's probably just a different phase in grief. I haven't been going as much to visit Rachel and I never thought that would ever happen... but I feel... well, honestly, I can't tell you how I feel, I just know I feel different. All I can say is that we need to allow ourselves to feel whatever we need to and know that our children aren't upset with us - and neither is God. Hang in there Ashley. I know it's all different and comparing isn't really a good thing to do, but yesterday I was looking at Erik's picture in my kitchen and wondering how on earth you survive after losing a child you had as a daily part of your life for years. Rachel was never part of my daily life and I miss her like crazy... so my heart aches for yours as you try to walk through each day with that gaping hole that nobody but him can fill. Be gentle with yourself... love & hope, Stacy


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes