Thursday, June 20, 2013

I Got Carried Away

I feel crazy admitting this - because I feel like it made sense 2 years ago, but not many people will understand it now.  But here's the truth... I often envision myself going down to the cemetery and bringing her home with me... I ache to hold her again and I almost don't care what the last 2 1/2 years have done to her physically.  And I cry as I wonder Is this urge ever going to go away?  Is this desire ever going to get less intense?

This morning, we piled into the van for my 34 week checkup... 

"Mama, I wish we could spend the summer with Rachel" Isaiah said from the back seat.

I took a deep breath and turned to look at him.  "Me too, Buddy... why are you thinking of that?"

"Because tomorrow is the first day of summer and I really want to spend it with Rachel."

How can one argue with that logic?  I want that too.

I told him I've been wanting to get some new things for her grave, so maybe we could buy something today and bring it to her tomorrow... Friday, the first day of summer.

"We get to see her tomorrow?!"  he asked excitedly.

I forget how literal he takes everything. 

"I wish, that would be nice...but I meant when we go to her grave...."  I explained. 

He looked at me disappointed.  "Oh, just her grave?"  he sighed.  "It's all we have here."  I reminded him.

The doctor's is only 5 minutes from here and before I had even pulled out of my driveway, I was already engrossed in a daydream of spending the summer with my little 2 year old girl... and for just a second... a brief moment in time... I actually felt her with me....  for that moment the reality of her absence left me and I knew my life without anencephaly... without death... without pain.... I knew summer with Rachel...

the song on the radio brought me back to the truth of today...
"I get carried away by the look by the light in your eyes
Before I even realize the ride I'm on baby I'm long gone
I get carried away nothin' matters but bein' with you
Like a feather flyin' high up in the sky on a windy day, I get carried away"
.And I realized I had gotten carried away..... 

I started crying and couldn't stop.  I don't ever share with those doctors the struggles I have regarding Rachel because honestly, they are always ready to find a reason why it isn't best for the moms to carry babies like Rachel to term... and I know they think that it would have been easier on me to "induce early" (abort her) and move on...and I know that they will think that any concern I have during this pregnancy is because I lost a baby and am 'paranoid' (which so what if I am?) 

So, for the sake of future anencephalic babies, for the confidence I have in my prenatal care now, and for the glory of my great God who is able and ready to carry us through those trials (and as we've seen with Rachel make WAY more beauty out of it than anyone could fathom) I keep my emotions in with them. I tried to clear my eyes and suck it up in the parking lot, but I couldn't stop. 

And no sooner did I check in, my doctor got called away for a delivery and I was sent on my way.....

Thank You Lord.

We never made it to the store to get Rachel's new stuff.  We stopped at the park and bumped into some friends, so we stayed a while.  I guess I'll try again tomorrow.
Last night I was looking at gender reveal party ideas and I saw one that involved using strawberries to represent the girl - I took a different way home from the park and as I pulled onto my street, my friend Kathy was pulling out.  She said she had just stopped by our house and she jumped out and handed me a big bag of fresh strawberries from her garden.....

An hour and a half after my tears fell over my summer daydream, God had carried me away again.... except this time on the comfort and compassion only He can give as he gave me a reprieve from my sadness and once again reminded me that He is with me in this and will meet me where I'm at and with what I need in that exact moment.  I just need to keep walking through each day trusting Him with it all.

But yes, I am crying again.  And no, I don't think I'll be stopping permanently anytime soon.

I miss her like crazy.

1 comment:

  1. Thinking of you and your sweet girl!
    Hugs and prayers, anja


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