Saturday, November 23, 2013

Can You Take Me Back?

It's been a tough night emotionally... as Rachel's birthday approaches, I catch myself going back in my mind.  Not that I don't do that every day, because I do.  Pretty much every day I think about the day she was born at least once.  But as December 3 gets closer, it's on my mind constantly.  I don't want to forget the details.... it's all I have of her.

A few months back one of my friends told me what it was like in her house the day Rachel was born.  She gave me a picture of what my sharing so openly about my girl had for an effect on her family.  She told me of how they felt when they heard the outcome of her birth and I posted the photo of Rachel... and I was surprised to hear it.  It was hard to hear, but at the same time, in a strange way, it was comforting for me to know that I may have been in that hospital alone, but I was not alone.

Last year for Rachel's birthday, I asked everyone to send me a note telling me how Rachel has impacted your lives...  I got some of the most amazing letters.  So much more (and I don't mean the amount) than I expected.  I had planned to share those, and of course never got to it, but maybe I'll try to find them and share them this December - I don't know. 

I just spent some time going through Rachel's memory box.  And I feel so weird saying this, but since when has that stopped me?  so I'm just going to - I put my Rachel bear into Rachel's little daisy dress. It fit the bear just right... it's amazing how close in size they are.... As I snapped the back, I saw the blood stain on the back of the neck and I just cried.  Looking at this stuff is not something I do much because it is emotionally draining and I don't like to do it when the kids need me during the day... so I've probably only opened the box 2-3 times this year, tonight included.

But anyway, I put the bear in the outfit that Rachel wore in the first photo I ever posted on her birthday post. (You've *got* to read that post HERE  The photo was before Lisa did any editing for me, so she is pretty blue, but I tried to make part of the photo black and white... but I just re-read it and am just in awe of how God carried me that day. wow.)  I just went back to her birthday in my mind and heart....

So, what I want to ask this year - is if you remember where you were when you first heard about Rachel or when you saw her birthday post - could you take me back in your mind?  Would you either comment here or send me a note through email to RachelsMama@ymail.com?  I am yearning for someone to remember with me...

We're having a birthday party tomorrow for all our winter babies - Des, Isaiah, Asa & Rachel... and only my parents and my nurse/friend Kim are coming out of all the people who met Rachel the day she was born.  I usually like to have the people who were there come because it helps me to feel like they *know* without me having to explain it - so I'm feeling pretty sad about this tonight....  and putting her bear in one of her outfits just did me in.  I can't believe it's been almost 3 years.  Seems impossible and at the same time I can't remember it ever not being this way. 

I'd give anything to go back to that day......  Can you take me back?

4 comments:

  1. I don't remember what page I saw it on but December 2, 2010 sometime around 11 p.m. I saw a post asking people to pray for the Aube family. They were preparing to meet their baby girl the following morning and they were told their precious baby girl would most likely die shortly after she was born. I followed the link to your blog and I spent the next several hours reading, praying, crying, praying some more and wondering how Rachel's birthday would play out. I checked your blog about 20 times throughout the day hoping for an update and praying for good news...not really even know what to consider good news. I just kept praying that you would get the chance to meet her alive! I prayed for peace in your heart and mind. That evening you posted about her birthday and I remember smiling when I saw her picture and feeling so happy for you guys that you finally got to meet your girl! She was beautiful! My heart was bouncing back and forth between be being happy and excited for you guys to an overwhelming sadness for you. I wanted to know more about her and her amazing family so I kept checking in and I was overcome with emotion reading your heartfelt words for your girl and our God! I am so sorry that I had to find you this way but I am so thankful to Rachel and God because our paths have crossed and I have found a wonderful, best friend that I love and cherish with all my heart! I love you and your girl and I always will!

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  2. I don't know when I first followed Rachel's story. But I read that you had a birth plan all set up. And found a team at the hospital who would respect your decisions. I was at my brother and sister-in-laws house and asked if I could use their computer. My SIL asked "Why?" I told her I wanted to see if the baby had been born. She asked "Whose baby?" And as I opened my account, I told her the story of you finding out at your sonogram that Rachel had anencephaly. Then i had to explain that to my SIL. I opened the page and saw beautiful little Rachel Alice and was thought of how happy you must be holding her. But then it hit me that she was not in your arms. I had to quickly read on and cried and cried. My SIL cried along with me. Rachel touched everyone who "met" her. I rationalized that she was with Jesus. But it hurt. It hurt me that you didn't get to hold her longer. 43 minutes didn't seem like enough. I guess I knew that you were "prepared" or as much as a family can be when the outcome that they were told about comes about. But I was deeply sad. Sad because I knew that you weren't anywhere near as prepared as people would expect you to be. How could you be? Holding that precious little baby and saying goodbye. It took me days to come around to thinking that you met her in your heart and you held her and saw her after birth. She was and IS alive in Jesus. Though only temporarily "living" in this world. I believe she wanted to tell you "Thank you Mama. Thank you for loving me so much that you saved my life."

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    Replies
    1. that last line just did me in... thank you <3

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We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes