I Dedicate This Song...

Des & I drove to see Jay tonight.  She is back at Dartmouth still since her last surgery, so we had to make that familiar drive that holds so many hard memories from the last couple of months.  

As we drove home, I was reminded of another long and painful road that I used to travel regularly in a family crisis....the road between here and Bethlehem NH, where I spent 7 months in rehab.

I spent 15 days in detox and 28 days in inpatient rehab (that's a total of 43 days! :)) before moving on to the housing program for 6 months.  There, I was allowed to leave on weekends, so my mom used to pick me up every weekend to bring me to my house.  She would pick up my dog, Snoop, first in Epping, then drive to get me over 3 hours from there and bring us back to Rochester - another 3 hours - every Friday.  And then repeat in opposite direction on Sundays.

Tonight as I was driving, a song came on the radio that reminded me of one of our trips. I'm guessing since I went to rehab on October 4, 2001... it was just about exactly 12 years ago this November that we made these trips. The conditions were very similar tonight as they were then, with rain and fog and the dark, unlit highways in the middle of nowhere.... and this song had come on and I said - very uncomfortably because I wasn't good at sharing my heart - "This song reminds me of you." I turned it up and we both sang along.

As I drove with my daughter a very different, but difficult drive, I could only hope I can be these things for her.  I like to believe I was everything I could be for Rachel, too.  But as the song played, I could hear my young, scared voice in  my mind confide in my mom who was willing to do anything and everything needed to help me and love me through that trial..."This song reminds me of you..."

I cried  tears of regret for what I put my family through.  I cried tears of gratitude that God pulled me from my pit.  I cried tears of love and pain and joy and sorrow all wrapped up together because of this journey with Jay....because of how I'm afraid I'll fail Desirae and because of what I don't get the chance to fail Rachel on....and I cried because of how beautiful and strong a mother's love is....both what I have received and what I am blessed to be able to give. 

But clearly, I am still just as uncomfortable sharing my heart as I was 12 years ago because I just talked to my mom for 2 hours and didn't tell her this.  So, here you go mom.... This song reminds me of you.....Thank you for always being there.

If you're following by email, here are the lyrics:

"Because You Loved Me"

Celine Dion

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through, through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me