Thursday, February 27, 2014
He's Got This
It appears as though my blood pressure is finally coming down. The doctor has given me the go ahead to start weaning off my meds, so long as it stays low as I do.
I have been asking doctors and nurses since Ezra was a day old about this strange cramp I keep getting in my stomach and I have been blown off every time. Today she finally paid attention and confirmed what I had been suspecting all along, I have a hernia.
I'm feeling really discouraged with this. Not necessarily the hernia, but more so my entire physical state. Seems like it is one thing after another and I'm just trying to be a young, healthy and somewhat fit mom so I can be involved in my children's lives and enjoy their younger days with them... It's gone from my blood pressure issues to painful autoimmune diseases to a complicated gene 'mutation' to anxiety and now a hernia... I'm pretty tired. Not physically, but more so mentally and emotionally.
I felt mostly fine about this all day, but tonight at church, I cried a lot. I wasn't really engaged in the crying, I just couldn't stop the tears. And as I thought about the why of it, I realized that I was just starting to feel like things were getting better. I've been doing an exercise program at home, 15 minutes a day and have seen amazing results physically, mentally and emotionally... and I've been feeling stronger and healthier - I've been in less pain....
On top of that, today is the day that the city voted on the approval for Rachel's Race... I'm supposed to call in the morning to get the official okay...
And on top of that... I don't have insurance. We tried to get me onto Matt's and they wanted us to pay back to November to sign on mid-term - so I looked into Obamacare, which somehow concluded that we could afford almost $1000 a month for just me (crazy!!!) but they would give us most of it back at the end of the year - that would be great if we had that up front, but we don't.
I asked the doctor today about the exercises I do and she said it should be fine. What I'm reading on line isn't so sure about that... and this is the doctor that told me I was just constipated for the last few months... do I trust her? Not really... but I can't afford the surgeon without insurance.
The exercise is what has been helping me feel better as far as my horrible joint pain and I don't want to stop. I like being able to move better and I like not looking 6 months pregnant anymore. But what if I make the hernia worse? But if I stop, the joint pain will undoubtedly get worse again. I was feeling extremely laid back and calm about Rachel's Race for once and I don't know how this will all play into that - like, how does a person run a 5K event after having surgery? (or with a hernia?) And how will I care for the 5 kids I have at home if I can't lift for 5 weeks? And what about nursing? And a whole bunch of other 'what if's' that I don't have answers to because at this moment in time, I don't even know how bad the hernia is or what kind of surgery it will require because I don't have insurance and can't afford an ultrasound.
I just feel so stuck. I feel a little robbed. Like here I am with all these things finally lining up and feeling a little more human - and now it's taken out from under me and I'm going back to square one. But maybe that's just an illusion because the last diagnosis I got, I've just ignored because I didn't know what to do with that either.
During our prayer time tonight at church, one of the ladies reminded me that 'God's got this'. And I know He does. He has never once left me alone or failed me. He has shown me in a bunch of different ways today that he is here and in the details... starting with the bouquet of daisies and pink roses that met me at check in before I got this news this morning and the bouquet of daisies that met me at my house when I got home from my appointment... and the multiple references I have been sent or 'stumbled upon' reminding me to REST in the Lord.
So, I am feeling low... and it probably won't be hard to tell by looking at me... but there isn't a valley I've walked through that My Lord has not met me in to light the way - and so as uncertain as this feels and as frustrated as I am... I will rest in Him... because He didn't bring me this far to drop me. Everything I do is for His glory - so I am believing He will see it all through in his perfect way and time. I'm trusting that He's got this.