Baby Rachel's Legacy: Not in This Storm

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Not in This Storm

During one of the recent snow storms, Asa was asleep and me, Matt & the other kids all went outside to play. It was Ezra's first time playing in the snow - he really liked the sled and seemed to be in awe of the snowflakes. We all laughed and got so much joy watching his response to the surroundings. It was precious watching him look around, all bundled up and pink cheeks. He has the cutest little nose - well, all my kids have that nose... it's super cute. :)

As we played, I kept getting this overwhelming feeling that I *really* wished Asa was with us. He doesn't often get to play in the snow and I knew he would love playing outside with Mama & Daddy too. I had to regularly fight the urge to go wake him up and bring him out with us.

At one point or another Matt and each of the kids all said to me that they wished Asa could be there too.

I was the only one wishing Rachel was there too... (that I know of) but something about this moment helped me to feel a little less 'obsessive' and a little more 'normal'. I realized that it's not just because Rachel is dead that I miss her. It's because she is my daughter. And it's 'normal' for families to miss people in their family when they aren't around, especially if they are making memories together. I missed Asa just as much as Rachel in that moment - and he was just upstairs sleeping.

I'm not really into the whole analyzing grief thing. I've tried to just allow God to do what He will with my pain and my journey for the last 3 years and to allow myself to feel and do - or not do - whatever I need in order to help my heart survive this unimaginable loss. But this was one of those times that helped me to feel less like I'm just stuck on the memory of my dead baby and more secure in knowing that I would miss her just as much if she was upstairs sleeping.... I would still want her in every picture, still want her in every laugh, still want her in every memory.

the snow made it hard to get good pictures, it was coming down pretty good.

I've had people suggest to me that I only still miss her like I do because perhaps I feel like if I let go of this pain, she will be too much in the past and I'll have nothing left. That maybe I force myself to still keep her so included and I should allow myself to move forward and know that she would be okay with it and that it's okay to let her be a great memory that doesn't affect my future.

While I understand where they might come to that logic, I have always known that grief isn't something that follows logic... at all. But more than that, I know that a mother's love doesn't follow logic... at all. And I know that God designed my heart and my mind for His glory, not my comfort. He never said that life would be all happy smiles and fun. But what I've found in the middle of this long snow storm; the storm that has forever left me with a painful awareness that we aren't all here... is that the JOY and PEACE and HOPE and unspeakable LOVE that I have experienced in each and every tear as I miss her is something I could have never had without the pain - not without the rain, the gray skies... the snow...

But while Asa slept upstairs, I was given the perfect picture in my mind of Rachel... just in a different room... probably dancing... until I get to where she is....

I saw that it's okay and totally "healthy" and not stunting my "healing" to wish they were with us everywhere and in everything we do. Nobody would suggest it of my feelings over Asa, so suggesting it of my feelings of Rachel makes absolutely no sense. Much less sense than my feelings.

So, while I missed them both while we played in the snow, I knew I would see them both again at different times - and have a chance to play with them both again... just not in this storm.