Monday, January 26, 2015

Beautifully Painful

We are expecting a blizzard here and today I went to Rachel's grave to get her spot 'storm ready'....

I have never had trouble getting her tree out before and of course today, of all days, I pulled on it to take it out and the top ripped off...  the rain we got last week froze it in place and no matter how I tried, I had to leave it there.

I took a few of her things down and brought them home, but tonight I found myself having an anxiety attack on the way home from a friend's house because I was thinking I should have taken the things hanging from her shepherds hook, because they likely won't be there when I go back with the winds we are supposed to get.

And tonight I find myself overwhelmed with that thought that has so often plagued me....

I hate winter in the cemetery.

I hate fighting against the weather and how the temperature has more say over what stays at her grave than I do.  I hate leaving her there in it all.

I want to pull all my kids and my husband into our home and hunker down for a storm and stay safe together.  I want to prepare cold foods that we can eat should we lose power... and I want to pull out blankets and all get under them to stay warm... TOGETHER.  All of us.

And instead I have to leave her, yet again, in the hard cold ground that won't even let me take her things home to keep them safe. And honestly, I get angry thinking about it... or sad... or angry... I don't even know what it is, I just know I hate it.

Yesterday at church, worship was AWESOME... I have so much I want to share about the songs we sang, but for tonight, one just keeps coming to mind....

It is "Mighty to Save" by Hillsong and the chorus makes it hard for me to stay seated, I am so filled with thankfulness every time I hear these words...

"Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever, Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave!!"

The ground couldn't hold HIM down.... and it can't hold HER down because of His victory over death.  

On these cold, hard ground, storm winds kind of nights, that's all I have to hold onto... and it is enough.  But I do believe this is the hardest day I have had in a very long time missing her.  I wish she was upstairs sleeping and I knew absolutely nothing of any of these feelings. I wish I never had to bring her there... or leave her there... or visit her there... or decorate for Christmas there.

I just wish she was here.  I wish we had different storms.  The kind that most people are worried about today - like power outages and having enough food.... Not grave decorations and trying to keep a dead baby safe.  It doesn't happen all the time, not even most of the time, but every once in a while, I yearn for the days before any of this.  The days when life was less complicated - and I didn't have crazy, irrational thoughts that actually make perfect sense.  Seems like an oxymoron, right?  Well, so is burying a baby... so is perinatal hospice... so is planning a funeral while pregnant... 

My entire life has become one great big oxymoron.... it's beautifully painful. 


  1. I checked your blog and found that this new post was posted 43 minutes ago. Rachel will always be remembered and rejoiced over. Thank you so much for sharing your journey so openly and honestly.

  2. I know that you know, she is not there. Only what remains of her physical body. Her beautiful sweet spirit is in Heaven and doesn't feel the cold, and doesn't experience loneliness like we do... But I can relate to how you feel, about leaving "her" there... We were supposed to bury my brother's cremated remains last summer. But I got thinking about how my Dad wants to bury my brother's ashes in our family cemetery, way up Maine, several hours away and I suddenly could not bear the idea that we would be "leaving him" there!! I felt so lonely at the thought of it! I cried for several hours and then called all of the family and begged them to hold off on the burial! Well... it turns out nobody was in a hurry to get it done so we all agreed to wait till next summer. When we finally do bury his remains I know HE will not be left behind when we all drive away, only his ashes... but my heart still aches at the thought of it.


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