Saturday, January 17, 2015

If You Think I Love Her...

I don't get to Rachel's grave much anymore.  Most of the time, it doesn't bother me... but when I have the need to get there, it's a *need* that I can't ignore.

I've been feeling that lately, but it's just hard with all of the kids and my very few trips that way.  I used to make a special trip every Friday - for YEARS... but after Ezra came, my life has just been harder to keep up with.  I know Rachel is okay with that.

Today I had to drop Des off at a party and I decided to take the ride over after.  It's freezing out, (11 degrees!) but in the car the sun was warm on my face and the music on the radio was bringing me to a great place of peace in worship.

I called Matt on the way over... I was afraid to go because we've had snow and I haven't been there in a few weeks.  I didn't have a shovel so I was afraid that I'd get there and have the need to take care of snow and not be able to.  He encouraged me to go anyway.  So I did.

There was snow, but not deep and easy to walk over.  I stood there for a few minutes feeling like there was nothing for me to do.  Not much needed fixing and I had nothing new to offer.  So I drew her a heart in the snow like the old days and then signed her "I love you" as I went to leave.

I got back in the truck and the next few songs spoke to my heart....

The first one was this...  holy moly... I just Googled it so I could share it and I'm blown away.  You *have to* play this.... please take a minute (or 4:30!!) to listen to these words...

and now I'll back up!  I'm seriously crying about this all right now....

ok, so I got in the truck and the Chorus to this song was playing....

                                                                      Matthew West
Take a look at the mountains
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of Me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am

And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today 
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to Me

And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more

Shine for Me 
Shine for Me
Shine on, shine on
Shine for Me

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more


I normally sign Rachel "I love you" when I'm in the car leaving... so the timing of this was unique because when I heard the chorus, I was being overwhelmed with the thought...

I love you so much, girl.

And it was as if He was saying - "Oh yeah, well if you think you love her, you can't even fathom how much I LOVE YOU!"

So, that would have been enough for me to feel His presence and love... but God is so amazingly generous that He didn't stop there.

The next song was this:

"It Was Love"

The angel stood in awe

At the sight they saw

The night You were betrayed

You could have saved yourself
But you held back the heavens
And let them carry You away

You laid Your kingdom down, they handed you a crown Of thorns You were torn, but cried let Your will be done

It wasn't nails that held You to the cross It was love, it was love, it was Your love You took our place, carried our guilt and shame All for us, all for us, all for us It wasn't nails that held You, it was love

To think You chose this cup

Knowing all that was to come

Oh the grace that poured from You
Before Your final breath
Through Your tears You said
"Forgive them, for they know not what they do."
You looked up to the sky
Let out a final cry
It is done!
Hope has won! 
Lord, let Your kingdom come!

I ended up lost in thought.... I was thinking about all the people who said "You mean they are *making* her carry the baby to term??"  Or the ones who questioned why I would put myself through "this" any longer than "I had to"....

I can honestly say that carrying Rachel to term was a time in my life when I felt like I loved like Jesus the best.  I've always felt that.  But today, it was like he hit it home for me.  I kept thinking "It wasn't nails..."  I wasn't forced. I did it because she is my child and I love her.  That didn't mean I liked it, or even that I wanted to.

I was afraid, I was lonely, I was in a ton of pain, both physical and emotional... It was the hardest thing I have *ever* had to do...  But my Father asked me to and so I said "Yes".  I begged Him to take the cup from me.  I begged him to find another way.  But He didn't.  

And as I thought all of these things about my carrying Rachel and loving her... I was led straight to the thought of how much *MORE* Jesus did for me... carrying the cross and died for my shame.  And He didn't have to... But He said Yes to the Father.

If I think I love her.....  

So then I go to write about this and Google the video and the first one "just happens" to be 4 mins and 30 secs... and I push play and the first few words across the screen read "A love song"...  "From God".... "To you"....

I and I couldn't help but cry....  The whole way home I'm thinking about how I want to write a post about God's love for me.  And since I hardly ever get to actually write the blogs that go on in my  head anymore, I didn't know if I'd even be able to... but I sat down and within a few minutes was yet again enveloped by God's amazing love and how *tangible* He really is!!  

And so I just want to say this... As we journey into February... the month we give to "Love"... when there are hearts and valentines and love notes... take a minute to stop and listen to how much God loves YOU... how much he *freely* gave for YOU... how much he wants to have a relationship with YOU.... because if you are reading this blog still, I know that you are inspired by how I love my girl.... 

And if you think I love her.....

He loves YOU more.

PS - I didn't highlight those lines above...(bold is mine) and it wasn't even like that when I first reviewed this... but I'm going to leave it because it's probably not a coincidence!  


  1. Your testimony lifts others, every time you share it. ♥

  2. Thank you that you remember me of His love - with this post but with many other posts too...
    Hugs to you, my dear friend, anja

  3. I know you wrote this awhile ago, but I'm still new to your blog so I've been going back and reading some. Thank you for your honesty. I can say that you described so much of what I felt with Lily's diagnosis and it brings me peace to know someone else felt the same. Especially because I have felt so guilty that I begged God to take her sooner, that I begged God to not make me go through it all. But that's real and raw and exactly what I was feeling. I loved every second of carrying my daughter and did it for the same reason you did, because she is MY daughter and you do whatever it takes to care for them as long as you get to. This is beautiful and your love for Rachel is so beautiful.

    1. the crazy thing about you commenting on this post is that I decided to read it to see what parts you were talking about and I had completely forgotten that I wrote about this song - and it's the same song that I wrote about the day I went for my first ultrasound with this new baby! I usually remember most every post I've written, but I had completely forgot about this one including this song! Seems to be the message He wants for me to hear and share this year! And I totally remember that feeling of wanting to have her as long as possible and yet having that opposite feeling like 4 more months would kill me and just wanting it to be over. It helped in a way when it came time for her birthday because I was so worn from how hard it was to carry her that I was ready to meet her and just to know how it would go. Such a long hard road <3


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes