Now that she has her stone, it's not quite as hard, but I still get very emotional trying to get 'just the right thing' for my girl - and as the colder weather sets in, so do my memories of these day before she was born. The chill in the air as the wind blew while I stood on that ground deciding if it was fit to be her resting place. I had searched high and low - every cemetery in the Seacoast and even purchased plots somewhere else before accepting my grandparents offer for these plots. I had no idea how amazing a cemetery could be, but if there is a perfect one, this would be it.... especially for the fact that they maintain the roads in the winter - which is when she came and went.
But anyway, I had been thinking and praying about what I should do and I decided to google it. "How to decorate a baby's grave" is what I googled. I click "images" and scrolled through and after a while.... couldn't believe what I saw.... there were photos from Rachel's grave there. I have no idea how they got there, but the internet is a crazy thing. There in front of my eyes were the photos of the decorations I did for Easter, one of which was her palm leaf tied into a cross with her name and "He died for you" on it.
Long story short, if there is a such a thing? I decided that I would do a bird feeder and house in hopes that the kids & I will see some life there in the winter. Isaiah once found a birds nest on her grave that had fallen from a tree or something (will be his show n tell this week for Classical Conversations) so I know there are some birds that wouldn't mind a place to stay :o) We're really hoping they will come hang out with us for the winter and bring us some smiles...
So, the theme may be obvious, but to explain the heart behind it.... People told me as time went on I would go to the cemetery less. I've actually been going more lately. On Wednesdays we go cause we are near there on the way home and I can't not stop - and I'm not at a place where I can give up Fridays and so I just do both. The flowers need watering anyway.
Desirae picked out the mums for her and we picked yellow ones because she thought they looked just like dandelions, which are one of Rachel's flowers (yes, flower...not weed!) They remind me of her - how something someone can consider a problem is actually very pretty and after they die, their seeds fly all around, planting new flowers wherever they go. That's my girl. The "live" plaque we bought for her in Maine on our vacation.
The flag pole that is there, Jill bought for her with a different flag a while back and I thought it would be nice to change the flag - but I was having trouble finding one I liked. I saw this one and the words 'love lives here' hit me. I looked closer and saw the flowers and in faint print behind the scene of the home, there are words and I can't make them all out, but 'daisies' is one of them.... She is home. This place hurts yet holds so much love. It reminds me that He is alive, she is alive...Love is alive. And it's okay to love her at the cemetery if that's what I need to do. I moved the bracelet I made for her on the woman's retreat to the flag pole since I took the bottle it was on home.
God led me to a couple of different verses this past week that I put on the feeder and the house. I changed the words on the feeder, mine in parentheses. I guess I've realized that I've been struggling for a while to not go silent on God - and everyone else for that matter. Some times I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. This reminds me that I can sing in my heart because of the promises of God and eternity in heaven, even when I'm utterly disappointed with His plans here on earth. This is not the end. In heaven I will never have to decorate a grave again.
I took the bottle and wind spinner I had there home for the winter.... but couldn't just put them away so I hung them in the mudroom. This morning as I sat drinking my coffee, I looked up on the wall and there she was....It took me a minute to figure out where it was coming from since I hadn't remembered putting the spinner up in the window in the next room....but you know, I never realized in all the time that has been at her grave that it let off rainbows.
And then when I went to post this picture, it came up as number 4030. ♥ Such a surprise! :o)