I've regularly wondered if Rachel could see me - if she knows all I do for her. If she can feel my overwhelming love for her, even still. If she knows how she has changed the world. Honestly, I've always thought no. I've always assumed that heaven is too happy a place to care what's going on down here where so much pain and sadness exists.
A couple months back, I had a post on my heart that I hadn't written - and still haven't - when I received an email from a friend who said God had revealed something to her and when she shared it with me, thinking I was going to think SHE was crazy, it 'just happened' to be the answer to the very thing (it was a specific question related to the general one I mentioned above) I was questioning, the reason for the post on my heart, and most likely the reason I never felt the need to write that post.... but this afternoon, Isaiah came into the kitchen holding my book mark in his hand. It's a fancy one with a cross at the end that hangs out of the book and I asked where the book it was in went. He said Asa had given it to him. (yes, he is officially tearing up the house!! - and climbing stairs, but that's another post!)
I walked in the living room and found the "Created to be his helpmeet" book on the floor. I remembered why I hadn't seen that book mark for a while, it was in that book. Jill & I were meeting weekly to work through it together for a long time - and between her husband dying and Rachel's diagnosis, we stopped working on it. I haven't read it since. I opened it up and flipped 'randomly' to a page, chapter 4, and read the title and subtitle...
I had enjoy and moments circled.
I never said a word about the book - or Rachel - all I did was read to myself and Isaiah blurts out above his Wii Mario Cart game... "Rachel can always see you"
It stopped me in my tracks. I asked why he said it.
"Because she's in heaven, she can always see you" He insisted, as he turned his hands like he was holding a steering wheel.
I looked back at what I had just read - I circled those words long before I ever knew I was pregnant, let alone what the near future held or how much I would need to enjoy each moment.
I'm not trying to sound superstitious or as if I want to go on the crossing over show or something, (because I'm not and totally don't) and believe me when I say that I am not easily swayed into believe comfy cozy thoughts 'just because'. If anything I tend to be a little on the skeptic side and actually a hard sell on most of these things. I read the book "Heaven is for real" and everyone I knew (and people I respect) loved it and thought it was amazing and I - if I'm honest - thought it could very easily be made up. People have said to me from the beginning of this journey that Rachel was with me - that she was proud of me - that she knew who we are and all I do... and I always smile and nod and in my head say "well, that is a nice thought, but it's a load of crap"
I must admit that I feel God telling me different - and it's not when I'm asking or even looking for an answer. Both times, His voice has come in a very unexpected, unencouraged, very quiet yet loud way.
I think she can see me.
Why does that make me cry? Is it because I'm happy or afraid I'm wrong...or both?