Friday, September 28, 2012

My Pursuit of Normality

It's been a hard couple of weeks.

On top of a couple of very complicated emotional things going on, I've started work, started a new homeschool group, and a new small group (bible study).  I felt ready for this.  For the first time in 2 years, since I was pregnant with Rachel, I felt like I wanted to be around other people. (the lack of pregnancy hormones helps with that)  And so I jumped in.

I love my job.  I love our new homeschool group.  I love our small group.

But the more I'm around people, the more alone I feel.  I know it seems like that would be opposite... but with every common conversation I have and every day I interact with people while pretending that I'm 'normal' - which by the way, I'm not. - her absence becomes so much more pronounced.  And my task of living life without her becomes more toilsome.

It's so hard to recognize that my life really does have to go on without her.  To interact with people - some of which don't know that she even existed - and try to avoid making people feel uncomfortable with my speaking of my dead baby or sensing that some are just tired of hearing me constantly bring her up.  I remember the days when I thought 2 years into this, I'd be healed and no longer consumed by her life and death.  I thought if I did this 'allowing-God-to-heal-me' thing right, in no time I'd be only captivated by the blessings from her/our legacy and the smiles they brought.  And I assume I am not the only one who thought/thinks this - and so now I feel studied and am self-conscious of opinions that really don't matter....but they do.  They do because they don't just speak of me, but of how my walk with God and Rachel are perceived.

Today is Friday and I haven't gone to the cemetery. I went twice a week the past couple of weeks because after our homeschool classes on Wednesday - and acting as if her name isn't on the tip of my tongue every minute of the day - all I want to do is go visit her. I can hardly get there fast enough.  So, I just went 2 days ago. I want to feel okay saying that's suffice for this week....but it feels so wrong not going on 'her' day.   I want to stay home and I want to go.  And both feel taxing on my heart.   I thought I would be okay not going today until 'today' was almost over and now I just feel worse.

I feel like my attempts to step 'forward' have all brought me backwards.  My pursuit of normality has left me feeling more damaged than ever.  And so I have to wonder why I am pushing myself.  Is it so people will approve of where I'm 'at'?  So that I'm doing what people expect of me by now?  Or is it really because I want to?  Is it wrong to change my mind on things?  What will people think then?  What will they say when I decide that I'd prefer to spend more time alone and less time interacting as if I'm back to normal when I'm not?  Am I going to have to go through this at some point and then it will get 'easier' - or is this what the rest of my life will entail?  Will I always feel so delicate?

Jesus can't come back soon enough.

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