So, although I could very easily get all my chores done right now, I am writing instead... to tell you about my slightly horrible, yet God led conversation with my new doctor yesterday at my first prenatal appointment.
I'm back at my old office (where I got Rachel's diagnosis) but there is a new doctor. She's very nice, pretty funny and outspokenly pro-choice. I've never actually heard a doctor say so to this extent, even though I know it's very common. Why on earth she chose me to say it to, I'm not sure, but I'm at a place in my life where I cannot and will not quietly ignore such things. So here is how it went....
She told me about the blood tests we would be doing soon and I told her I don't do them. She said
"OK, so we'll just know at the 20 week ultrasound then if anything is wrong."
I responded, "Well, Dr. M said I could have one at week 11 or so because you can see anencephaly by then."
"OK, we'll do that and that way you can still terminate." She said very casually.
"No, I would never kill one of my babies. It wouldn't be so I could terminate, just so I could know".
"Oh, so you would still carry to term?" She asked.
"Absolutely." I said, realizing, that although she knew about Rachel, she must not have realized I carried her to term.
She tilted her head and said "Oh, that's really nice. (in a sweet voice) I come from NY and they do terminations all the time, even up to 20 weeks, which I think is a little distasteful".
"It's all distasteful... it's a baby at 7 weeks just the same". I said in a quiet voice.
She quickly corrected me "Well, I am pro-choice and I believe there needs to be the option, don't get me wrong. I've seen times when it's needed, I just think doing them that late is a bit much." not even realizing the extent to which she is contradicting herself.
"I just don't think we are meant to be in charge of life and death. Only God is." I said, very obviously struggling with her choice of topic.
"I hope I didn't just offend you with my personal opinion" she said as she turned back to her clipboard.
"It's pretty offensive". I said.
"Well, I respect your belief that God is in charge of that. There certainly is a valid argument there, and I would hope that you would respect my opinion as well."
"Um, nope". I said, shaking my head.
And the conversation ended. I think it says enough for itself, but I do want to make one comment, because the "let's respect each others opinions" comes up at the end of many arguments on anything that God speaks directly about. And almost always after the person saying it just very directly ATTACKED my personal belief unnecessarily. So here it is... no, I actually cannot respect such an opinion. If God says something is not okay, it's not ME who speaks against it, but HIM in me. There are many things I can agree to disagree on and believe people can have their own opinions on, but killing babies is not one of them and it never will be. Anything that is biblically black and white will always be black and white to me. And I am not going to apologize for that. My God deserves my 100% devotion and loyalty no matter how uncomfortable it makes things for me. And He will always get it. Look at how many times I get that from HIM! Unfortunately, even many times in the church itself, His very bridegroom, people get mad about that. Last week I was called a judgemental hypocrite by a supposed believer for insinuating that a couple should be married before trying to conceive a child. Yes, I did that BEFORE I was a believer, but the moment I became a Christian, the things that matter to God became important to me. It's a small price to pay for the fact that I no longer have an eternity in a lake of fire with gnashing of teeth to look foward to - but instead one in a perfect land surrounded by His love. I believe that's how it goes when you are truly saved and following Him. Again, not my opinion... it's HIS. It doesn't mean I do things perfectly, ask anyone that knows me and you will find out I am (shhh....) not perfect... but I will never try to convince myself that God is okay with me 'just being nice to people' or that I can do whatever I want and use His grace like a cheap 'get out of jail free' card. He deserves more than that.
Back to my appointment....
So, the doctor and I went on to talk about many things... including the Brady Bunch (which is what we'll have should Baby E be a girl.. 3 of each!) and how they were a mixed family and all sorts of social issues from divorce to racism. It was bizarre.
We talked about me being a VBAC and she was really supportive of that - I told her about how hard I had to fight for the VBAC last time cause the babies were just 11 months apart and she thought that was silly, that there didn't really seem to be a reason medically for a required time span, but that the doctors just don't want the responsibility.... then she said "God must have been protecting you from getting Hep C because Exeter Hospital (the one I was FIGHTING to go to and they wouldn't let me) had a doctor that gave over 30 people Hep C around that time!"
Once again, the big picture is revealed and I am in awe of God's provision.... and the fact that my very obviously non-believing doctor just told me that God was providing for me!! :) It's hard for anyone to deny when they know my story.... He is all over it! Thank You Lord.
I showed her pictures of Rachel (and the others) and she was totally surprised by how pretty she is. She had only ever seen babies like Rachel for termination. And text books don't carry photos like I do. I'm so thankful I have them. (love you Lisa!) I think I actually do like this doctor - she seemed to respect my desire to go without extra stuff and was supportive of me not wanting a pap or the flu shot - which is almost unheard of! So, all in all, I think it will be okay...
But the thought that keeps coming to mind for me is this...
When I was carrying Rachel (oh, how I miss those days...) one of my biggest goals was to show the doctors and nurses what LIFE is all about. What Rachel is all about. And what God is all about. And I worked at it with everything I had in me, it's what kept me going - to be a light in a dark, overly text book oriented and desensitized medical field - and world. And I know for a fact that I did that at the hospital she was born at. I'm still friends with my nurse to this day (she came to her birthday the last 2 years) and when I went to have Asa, I was met by so many people who knew about her and were blown away by her story... and that also had been following my blog. But I guess I thought when I left there with Asa, my legacy for Rachel there had been completed. What I'm finding is that every time I step foot in a doctors office, I again get to share about her and about God and about how WORTH IT she is and was. And I feel like these new babies since her just keep giving me that ability. They are part of her legacy. It's crazy.
So, this morning, Asa woke up after sleeping thru the night (yay!) and I went in to rock with him. I thought about my appointment and the fact that my next ultrasound - the one that will hopefully show a nice round head - is in 4 weeks. She scheduled me the scan and then an office visit right after to get the results. Just like they did with Rachel. I've never done it that way for any of the other babies.... and I've always thought it was God's provision that it was set up that way in August 2010 because I got the answer right away.... so then I got nervous that He had it that way for a reason this time too. And my mind went there.... (have I mentioned I have an EXTREMELY visual mind and memory?)
I pictured having the scan and walking up that same hallway to the office to get the same results. But my response was not expected. I envisioned myself sitting up straight and saying "That's okay, I can do this".
Oh dear Lord, I AM stronger. I couldn't see it until that very second, but in my weakest moments... in the most vulnerable and desperate times... which for me, is when I'm pregnant and know to the deepest extent that I have absolutely no control over what happens to my children.... He is strong in me. He has changed me through this trial. He has molded me and strengthened me. He has used this horrible pain for good. I knew He would.... but even when everyone else says so, it still hurts too much for me to see.
I could do this again. And I would. And if I did, I'd be okay. I know it would hurt. I know I would be just as sad. But I know it would be beautiful. And I would work just as hard as I did with Rachel to make sure that everyone knows how WORTH IT these babies are. And it would be. And I would love without abandon and I would cherish each and every moment of LIFE. Because life isn't about perfect. It's not about happy. It's not about easy. I'm not called to easy. I'm called to something much harder... it's sacrificial, it's humbling, it's painful... it's to be more like Jesus. And I'll never get there this side of heaven, but I won't ever miss an opportunity to try. Because He is WORTH IT.
And one day, I will dance in all His glory with my precious children gone before me and hopefully the ones here with me now... and it will all be WORTH IT. My reward is in heaven. This world has nothing for me.... I again am reminded of the passage we read at Rachel's birthday....