My Ultrasound for Baby E

I walked into the hospital and was greeting by Rachel at the Registration desk....

Within a few minutes I was laying on the same table I got Rachel's ultrasound on.  She put the wand on my belly and I immediately saw the tiny heart beating.  155 bpm.  7 weeks 3 days, exactly what I had thought based on my own calculations.... due August 3rd.  I hope to meet you little one, Mama loves you already.

this is a side view... Matt & I have gotten pretty good at reading ultrasounds since we had them weekly with Rachel...And although it's still too early to tell, Baby E appears to have a round head. But we won't know for sure for another month or so. You can see his/her little hands/arm buds and the white part towards the bottom is the legs forming.  Baby is11mm long... or about 1/2 an inch.  People regularly kill babies this size because they are convinced they aren't really babies yet.  It's just not true. This baby has a healthy beating heart and a soul that can never be replaced.

Thank You Lord.

We walked out, and much like the day we got Rachel's diagnosis, we inspected the photos as we walked down the hall.  We walked out to the parking lot and hugged.  I remember dialing the phone standing in that exact same place to call my mom and tell her they said my daughter would die.  Matt looked at me and said "Congratulations" with a smile.  I said "Thank you, you too"  and we went to our separate cars.

I walked into my house and was greeted by Desirae, two years older now, asking the same question she asked that day "Is it a boy or a girl?!"  The shear torture of having to tell her that her sister was not going to stay with us flooded my mind.  "We're not finding out until he or she is born" I said, so relieved that this ultrasound brought proof of life within me and my children don't need to find their way though another loss yet.

And our day can continue.  It's a strange thing.... to have the memories so very fresh after all this time.  The stark difference between the two ever reminding me of how thankful I am for all the pain.  Because in that pain, I have come to know that what I have right now is sacred.  It's not guaranteed to stay.  It might not be mine for long....  even with the good news today.  And so I thank God from the bottom of my heart and soul for the gratitude and humbleness I could have no other way than to have lost my sweet girl.  And honestly, I can say with complete certainty, that I would never want to go back to the days before her...  to the days when I took credit for my healthy babies, and would have denied that honestly, unaware of how true it was... to the days when I had a false sense of control over the length of their lives.  To the days when I thought only other people buried their children. 

I am so thankful for you baby girl...  just the way you are.... in your life and death I have experienced Jesus like I didn't know I could.  You continue to inspire me to love your siblings deeper, to appreciate each and every minute of their lives being part of mine, to never forget that God is worthy of praise.  Thank you Rachel.  Mama misses you so much.  I can't wait to see you again.