Sunday, August 4, 2013

Between Sunsets

I have had a horrible day - I just started writing about it and realized if I don't go to bed while Ezra is sleeping, I'm going to set myself up for another hard(er) day tomorrow and so I'm just going to share one quick thing and then share about today, tomorrow......

I have a baby loss friend I met through my blog who has a daughter named Rachel.  Her Rachel was born on August 4th.  The other day she sent me a photo she has from her Rachel's 11th birthday at Canobie Lake Park.  With it she wrote:

"This was taken on August 4th 2010 at Canobie Lake at sunset. The sun rose on one way of life for you and set on a completely new way of living. This sunset is for Rachel Alice."
Her words, so true.
Last night when Matt came to get me from Maine Med, I had parked (I drove myself and he got a ride to pick me up later) right by where we were when I had to leave there without Rachel - at the top of the parking garage.  We had just walked down "the hallway" and we came out to find the most perfect weather and the sun setting.  I remembered Monique's words and thought about how clueless I was on August 3, 2010 that the next day would change my life forever....

I remember that night like it was yesterday - and how afraid I was of the sun setting and having to try to sleep with this new horrible reality I was living.  I wanted it all to be a bad dream.  And when I woke up on August 5th, that was the first thing I thought.... please tell me it was just a nightmare.... but as I looked around the room, I realized it was real.... and that I had to live it.
And so I have for the last 3 years.  Today proved to be harder than I was even expecting and I just can't help but wish I could rewind time to that last sunset.  The one before I knew she wouldn't stay.  The one before I knew the pain I know now.  I wish I could sit under the sunset of August 3, 2010 again with the perspective I have now....along with the innocence I had then....and daydream about my life with my new little girl.  But with that sunset, went all of those hopes, dreams, and simplicity of life.
The sunset at the top of Maine Medical, the only place where Rachel lived outside of my womb, reminded me to soak up those days... those moments.... because just like in 2010, I don't know what the next day holds - or what will change between this sunset and the next - and the colors only last so long before they fade into the night.

And so when the sun set, I looked at my new little blessing that I was driving home with and thanked God for another sunset with him.....knowing it's the only one I'm guaranteed...  while I deeply grieved what the next day meant for me - and the fact that I couldn't escape it then and I can't now - no matter how beautiful the sky was the night before. 

1 comment:

  1. Dear Stacy, I was thinking of you a lot yesterday and I still am! You and your family are constantly in my prayers.
    Love and hugs, anja
    P.S. Ezra is such a cutie and he looks so tiny in his car seat!


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