Stay Here

Today I was vacuuming out my van when Asa came over and asked me to take his helmet off.  He had been playing nearby me in the driveway the whole time I was out there.  I took it off and continued on cleaning.

A couple minutes later, I heard a car coming around the corner.  We live on a corner lot and people drive entirely way too fast around the corner.  I turned to make sure Asa wasn't near the road and all I saw was his helmet in the middle of the road.  I looked around and couldn't see him so I motioned for the truck to slow down as I walked out in the street to get the helmet out of his way.  The guy SWERVED around me so as to not have to slow down and I panicked not knowing where my little boy was and if this guy would pay any attention.  (did I mention he was on our street to read a meter... that's right, he works for the city....) 

I started calling for Asa..... nothing.

I walked around and checked in the neighbors yard.... nothing.

I walked further down the street.... yelling his name.... nothing.

I went back to the house and asked if he was in there with the others.... nope.

They came out and started running around looking in other yards.... No Asa.

About 3-4 minutes into this, my mind went from "He's right around here somewhere."  to "Where could he have gone?" to "Oh no, this is really happening."  Every moment felt like an eternity.

Finally after more than 5 minutes and me about to call the police, we heard his little voice calling from behind our neighbors house across the street.  Isaiah ran to find him.  When he came out with him, I quickly scolded him and then grabbed him up, hugged him and cried. 

Standing in someone else's yard, I stood there and clung onto him knowing that I had been gifted another moment with him.  I pulled away, stared straight in his bright blue eyes and told him.... "Don't ever run away like that again Asa.... You stay with us." I said firmly. 

He probably had no idea why such a fun adventure would make Mama cry like that.... He probably thinks I overreacted..... He will probably do it again someday...... but as I heard the words "You stay with us!" come out of my mouth I realized that I was crying over how little control I have over whether or not my children stay.

My heart heard the words and felt a little envious that I couldn't demand that of Rachel....  I wish I could have told her to stay.

Later at snack time, the kids were talking about how scary that was.  Des was saying that at first it didn't feel real and then after a while, she began to fear that he was really gone.  I knew exactly what she meant.  Isaiah added.... "At first I thought he was going to be gone forever, but then I knew that you would never stop looking for him until you found him."  I asked how he knew that and he said "I just know that about you."

He's right.... there is no amount of time that will ever "call off the search" in my heart for any of my children.  Even when I know they are already gone for good.... I look for my girl in every sunrise...every sunset.... and every moment in between....  I look for her in the clouds, in the garden, in the eyes of her siblings and Daddy.  I look for her everywhere we are.....

And so often I find that even though she is gone, she did stay here too.