How Long?

I've been putting this off....  because somewhere along the line, I bought the lie.... I started to believe it... and when I once in a while I feel like 'it' is happening to me, I think "it" should be here to stay. Like healing is a destination, not a journey.... Like one day you wake up and feel better.... let it go for good... Because that is what we're told is 'good for us'.... that's a "good witness"... that's the "healthy thing" to do....that is how we show that we believe in God and hope in eternity.....

I should be able to move on....

I should be better by now....

I should just be thankful for all I *do* have.....

And stop worrying about what I don't.....

Because, after all, she is fine....

She doesn't need me anymore because she is in heaven and totally happy without me.....

And why cry when one day I will see her again?....

And there is so much to be happy about here and now....

So, suck it up, your time to grieve has passed and now it's time to just smile....

Cause didn't you notice all the good God brought out of her death?....

And aren't you thankful for that?....

Don't you see that you have other children you did get to keep?....

And don't they make it hurt less?....

Are you reading your Bible enough?....

Praying enough?....

Having a positive enough attitude?....

The right perspective?...

Cause if you were doing all the "right" things, wouldn't you feel better by now?....


So, let me be clear that what I am about to share has absolutely NOTHING to do with an inability to love, cherish or care for my living children.  It has very little to do with how I feel about, or how much I trust in my God or His plan for my life.  It does not speak of a lack of faith - it doesn't mean I don't believe in or look forward to heaven.  It doesn't mean I am not grateful.  It doesn't mean that throughout my days I don't laugh, smile, or notice the millions of things I have that I don't deserve but have been granted by His grace alone.  And it doesn't even mean that I'm not positive that He is at work in everything that is happening to us.  So, please - if you aren't capable of reading the following without those judgmental thoughts about me - or prideful ideas about yourself and how you would do it better, or sending me an email attempting to exhort me to better "obedience",  just stop here - because I'm about to be real because I need to be - not because you will think it's "right" or impressive. 

I am so tired of trying to explain why all those things listed above are inaccurate.  I hate feeling like I fail God every time someone feels the need to correct my way of thinking when I talk about Rachel, like I have the wrong perspective or need to be reminded that it's okay that she is dead.  I truly believe people are just trying to help me.... but anyone who knows me - I mean really knows me - knows that faith is not something I struggle with... finding a silver lining is not something I am not able to do - I just prefer to do it myself!  (as do most people)  But some days, I just long for someone, anyone to just be human with me.... no advice or opinions or even a promise to pray...no spiritually fancy sounding pat answers... but to sit in it with me... like really care about how hard it is and not judge me for being disappointed with the trials at hand.  Because here it is.... I'm feeling a little like I think we could have used a bit more time off before another big trial.  I'm feeling like I don't actually care about what God might be able to pull out of this that is good... I don't want to do this.  I am thinking there is probably someone else that has had a less eventful couple of years that might be better able to handle this. 

Things are HARD right now.  My medical issues. Matt's hand and enough hours at work to keep us from qualifying for temporary assistance, but not enough to pay our bills,  Lots of little kids.  Changing our church.  Not being able to get to the cemetery or do things I want to for Rachel. Van repairs.  Medical bills.  Trying to keep up with the house, tons of doctor appointments for everyone and errands with 5 of my kids in tow, homeschool, failing miserably at keeping up with Rachel's nonprofit, and on and on.... I've grocery shopped once since Ezra's arrival.  Today I went there, parked and realized it would be a nightmare with Ezra and Asa both crying and I left (cause I'm getting smarter). There aren't enough hours in a day, but I'm not sure I'd want any more hours!  All of this is putting a lot of stress on our marriage and after we just had the best year of our 11 years together, that's really sad to me - I covet your prayers for us. 

I just wanted to come home with my sweet Ezra and sit and nurse.... I feel like he is growing so fast and I am missing it while I'm busy with everything else and I'm grieving that too. 

But I have found myself missing Rachel a lot lately.  I have been feeling really heavy hearted that I didn't do anything for her D-day anniversary this year.  I have been reliving a lot of what I went through when Asa was a baby now that Ezra is here.... and that was so, so hard.  I look back and cry for how much it hurt to have Asa right after I lost Rachel.  Matt says he thinks I would have had just as much pain had I waited longer before having Asa because either way, I needed to grieve what I was missing with Rachel - and in fact, he thinks that feeling my way through that might have helped me actually grieve some things I needed to - but wow, was that hard.

The other night I kissed Ezra's neck and it was warm and all I could think about was how cold she was.  That kind of stuff happened all the time with Asa.  I'm thankful to not be so overwhelmed with sadness for every step of this journey with Ezra, but I still feel like I am missing Rachel in a deeper way since he came, just not in such an outward way.  But with Rachel being older now, I also get much less recognition of her and that is very hard too.

Basically, it's all really hard - there is no getting around it.

Isaiah went to my Dad's for the day today and as he was pulling away in the car with him, he looked out the back window and said "See you when we have ice cream together." (they were coming back in the afternoon to get us for ice cream) and I started to panic...  my mind went straight to this might be the last time I see him... what if that's the last time I hear his voice? what if he never comes back? and I waved and signed "I love you" to him and him back to me.... and I fought the anxiety all day.

You see, what I've learned about God's plan is it has nothing to do with my happiness.  This is why I hate it when people say "don't worry, trust God" because I was trusting God fully when I put my little girl in the ground and covered her with dirt. And I've trusted Him ever since through the most painful experience I have ever walked through. I trust him, but I'd like to avoid that amount of pain coming my way again. But I know I can't.  People who trust God have horrible things happen to them every single day.  There was no guarantee when I became a Christian that my life would suddenly be 'good' - because HIS ways are NOT my ways. My idea of good isn't always His.  And I'll be honest...  I hate that.

Today I heard a song that I had heard on a drive to Maine Med while I was pregnant with Rachel.  I can still remember exactly what field we were driving past as I heard it for the first time that day....  As the lyrics played today, I could remember how I felt in those months before she came - and other than knowing now how her story unfolded, not much has changed.

Alone in a crowd.  Joy and sorrow mingled.  Time flying while standing still.

Now though, I struggle to even want to pray.  So today, as the song played, I just asked that He would hear the cry of my heart when I don't have the words to speak.  That somehow soon, He would bring relief in the form of assurance that He is in this.  Cause I'm just not feeling it.  I'm not feeling Him.  But I know He's there.

"Hold My Heart"
How long must I pray
Must I pray to You
How long must I wait
Must I wait for You
How long till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

'Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You run to me, yeah

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart
Hold my heart
Could You hold my heart
Hold my heart

Here's the video...