Many of you know the stuff that has been happening from facebook... but I'll give the run down for those who don't.
I had been having some high blood pressures and issues with swollen feet and legs - along with horrible migraines earlier in the week. On Friday, I went to the ER locally because my blood pressure was extremely high. They sent me away saying I was fine. The next day, I woke up and it was even higher. I called Maine Med and they wanted me to come up there to be monitored for the day. Again, they sent me home saying I was fine. (I've since been put on blood pressure medication after a follow up appointment on Tuesday - My obgyn thinks I had undiagnosed postpartum preeclampsia - please pray this all clears up soon... I just want to enjoy my new baby)
I was discouraged that I had spent the whole weekend in hospitals when I wanted to be getting things ready to decorate Rachel's grave on Sunday. We stopped at a Walmart at 9pm to get fake flowers on the way home from the hospital....my heart was just aching to do something for her for this anniversary since I wasn't doing the race and I was running out of time...
August 4th started off like it did 3 years ago... me being naïve and thinking that the plans I had made would actually come to be. I was determined to make the day special and light hearted. I was determined to make it meaningful and enjoy our family time together. I was determined to smile when my heart really hurt. I guess not really much different than any other day of my life, but for this day - the 3 year anniversary of her diagnosis - I wanted it to be special in a way that would ease my pain. Expectations can be so dangerous.
We left the house way later than I wanted to and decided we'd better get lunch first. On the way, the song on the radio reminded me to keep the tears tucked away.... or else if I start, they might not stop.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down"
We ate at Roger's Pizza with gift cards that Options for Women had sent as a welcome Ezra gift for us. They gave us $30 and our pizza came to $30.43. Our portion... .43 cents! Imagine that, hi Rachel! She's always with us everywhere we go....
Matt went in and ordered and asked her to let us know when it was ready and we waited outside to avoid the before meal craziness that always ruins meals out. It worked like a charm. The boys ran around in the grass, Des & I sat in the AC in the van and I nursed the baby so he wouldn't want to eat as soon as I was trying to. When they called us in, the table was ready to go, the kids had energy out, the baby was content and we just prayed and ate. It was all going so well.
We decided to play a song on the jukebox. I made a mistake... I picked "Don't take the girl" The last part is talking about them having a baby and the mom was dying.... but as I listened along, all I could think of was my reaction on August 4, 2010.... "Please God, not my baby girl.... please let me keep her, please...." and I had to fight the tears again....
I went back to finish Rachel's grave while he was waiting and I felt one drop of rain.... I said "ooh, it's starting to rain." and before I finished my sentence, it was a complete downpour. I could not believe it. Was God serious? Matt's in the ER and I'm stuck in the rain all by myself with a van full of kids trying to clean up my daughter's grave.... I know I can't always have my way, but why did God have to take away the sun that had been shining ALL DAY until that very MOMENT when I was there and trying to make it pretty? Why all this on August 4th? I tried to put a spin on it... "There must be a rainbow somewhere" I heard myself say... there was sun all around, it was just pouring on me.... "I just can't see it" I continued softly.... and that was it - I started to cry. And I couldn't stop. "Ironically" on this video, all you can hear is the first part.... there must be a rainbow somewhere....
I got a call from Matt saying I shouldn't wait for him, to go home because he had to have an x-ray and see the hand surgeon because they thought he hit his tendon. I cried harder.
I cried for the longest I have cried since I first lost Rachel. I could not stop. It was hours - six of them to be exact. And if I really put a reason to why I was crying? Well, it was because all of my plans were falling apart in front of my eyes and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. The same feeling I had 3 years before on this date.
I remembered the song from earlier....I knew once the tears started, they'd be hard to stop....the rest of the lyrics ran thru my mind...
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain
I pulled myself together long enough to get her grave looking as pretty as I could without Matt's help. The sun came back out and I was able to get a photo of Ezra's first time at his sister's spot. And maybe this is all part of my 'dance'.... maybe dancing in it is less about knowing the steps and making them look easy and more about following His lead....even if I jumble it up at times.
I left 3 daisies for her - one for each year since I began this journey with her. Unfortunately, I noticed that we also have some blood stains on our stone now (right by "girl") where Matt's cut apparently sprayed. I'm hoping I will be able to get it off the next time I go since this photo was taken after the rain storm and it was still there....