Friday, June 27, 2014
Rachel's Impact - Part 2
It's amazing to me the great diversity in my blog readers... the way God has used Rachel, not only to help other moms going through the same thing - it's become so much more than I ever expected when I first started out. And reading these notes reminded me of just that. She is changing people everywhere - not just in the baby loss community - it's been so much bigger than that. Something I could have never planned on my own or made happen in my strength, no matter how determined I am to help Rachel leave her legacy. God had a plan with little Rachel Alice and it was huge - and I believe it still is. Although I never would refer to it as such, I originally thought it was going to be a pro-life kind of message...
It is and it isn't.
I mean, it's more of a message about ETERNAL LIFE than simply the idea of carrying a baby to a natural and God ordained end. While I still wholeheartedly believe that the latter is very important and the best road to healing for a mom, I am more and more convinced that it wasn't the complete message God had in mind for me to share when He gave me Rachel.
I am deeply humbled and full of gratitude that God would use me... in all my pain and imperfectness... and Rachel... with all that she 'wasn't' to most people on earth... to shout His story of Redemption - His promise of life after death - His provision and care and love for those who are called to be His children.... that He would bring beauty out of ashes... That He would let me be part of His eternal purposes and even be so gracious at to let me know about it!
I still remember in the operating room waiting to get cut open to meet Rachel... having a c-section had always been my biggest fear in child birth, and yet I had chosen it for the chance of even a minute with her. I was laying on the table and we were waiting for Matt to come in. My body was out in the open, uncovered - everyone around me so covered in scrubs and masks that I had no idea who they were....Staring at the ceiling, I asked "Have any of you met a baby with Anencephaly before?" I can't remember, I think they all said no, Rachel would be the first - and I responded "Well, you're about to meet Rachel Alice and she's pretty amazing, if I do say so myself." My nurse Kim said "Well of course she is, she has an amazing mother." and without thinking twice I said "She has an amazing God."
I feel like it's such a picture of my journey - I've been laid out like an open book for all of you to see - I don't hide under anything, like so many in the world do. It can feel rather unsafe, yet in the moments of my pain and weakness, I am not phased by that discomfort at all....I am so convinced that God can use it, that I don't worry about people's opinions. But you certainly see much more of me than I ever will of you - some of you I don't even know are there....
But I have a goal in mind. Just like that day in the OR, my goal was to meet my daughter. In this life, my goal is to meet my Lord - and I know when I do, I will meet Rachel again too. And if I have to face my biggest fears, wear my heart on my sleeve, fail in front of an audience and admit when I am painfully aware of how much I need Him to get me through it all in order for you to catch a glimpse of how big and strong and powerful and merciful and loving and gracious and eternal my God is.... well, I consider it great joy to be part of God's story in your lives. I share my journey through anencephaly here, but I am so thankful that God has used it to bring so many people closer to Him. That this doesn't start and end with dead or dying babies. It starts and ends with God... His plan, His dance, His ending, His home for us together forever. And I am looking forward to an amazing reunion one day - with Jesus and Rachel and all the people believe in Him who will join us there. I can't wait to meet every single one of you. You'll know who I am... I'll be the one dancing in daisies with a cute little girl at Jesus' feet.
I didn't intend to write so much... these posts are supposed to be short!! I miss writing... hoping I can find time to do it more soon. But for now, here are another two notes from Rachel's 2nd birthday.... I hope you can read the last part of the 2nd one, it's amazing!!