This summer, as I prepared to start school with the kids, God kept putting the word "Grace" on my heart. A reminder that I needed to give it to myself and others - to not expect me or the kids to be perfect... to really learn what it means to be a woman walking in the grace of my Lord. And so when I saw this sign, it came home with me even though I really didn't have the money for it - and although I have taken most things off my wall (for sales purposes) I put this up that afternoon, right above my coffee pot so I read it every morning...
The week I found out about my aneurysm and Syrinx, there was a new Bible study announced called Between a Rock and a Grace Place... so I signed up. It was about learning how to lean into God's grace when life is hard. sigh.
This morning our church watched the movie Monumental together between services. I found myself feeling really challenged by the faith of our forefathers... what they went through, what they went without, what they lost... all because they felt their cause worthy and right and from God. And I think I have it rough.... ?? They believed with everything they were that if they just did the next right thing, in the end, God would provide - even if it was just for the generations behind them.
As the Pastor opened the service, he talked about God's grace and how when he went searching the Scriptures to learn more about it, it wasn't too long before he couldn't handle anymore of it because it's *that* big and awesome and overwhelming. And I sighed knowing that I not only need to be better at giving grace, but also in receiving it - from people and more importantly, from God.
The first song we sang was "Your Grace is Enough". I remember clear as can be that being the song we sang the morning we dedicated Isaiah to the Lord at our old church when he was just 6 months old.... His sufficient grace has been my cornerstone for parenting.... because WOW is it hard...
But as I sang....
I heard It's okay to be weak..... God uses the weak.
Then we sang "Always" - a song that has been the cry of my heart so many times these past couple of years.... And as I sang....
I heard It's okay to have trouble.... God uses trials and He is there through the storms.
And tonight, I got an email from my friend Chloe in New Zealand... she sent me a video which I knew I had seen before and even pretty much knew what it was all about - I blogged about it a long time ago... but she wanted me to watch it again, so I did.
Let me just share that right now, the kids & I are learning about molecules in science. All of our experiments this week had to do with molecular structure and how they cling together in patterns. So although I had seen this before, the timing of it was different....it was *perfect*
And as I watched it I heard... It's okay if you fall apart, I will hold you together.
Here is the video and I would encourage you to watch it even if you've seen it before too.
I was already feeling better, but when I watched this video, I cried. I had tears of relief... tears of surrender... tears of a renewed spirit.... tears of such gratitude for how God is in every single detail... in every tiny bit of our bodies. None of what I'm going through is new information to Him. And none of it is beyond His power.
And as I sit here tonight with these lyrics running through my mind....
I hear.,, It's okay to ask questions, to struggle, to not be perfect.... God wants a real and intimate relationship with people who know how much they need him. If I had all the answers, never struggled and was perfect in my own eyes, I would have no need for God. I'm thankful that by his grace, I know I do.
So here I am Lord, use me.