Wednesday, November 19, 2014
I had a whole lot to do today and not a lot of energy to back it up. 2 appointments, gymnastics for Des and a visit with my Papa all by 1:00 were on my list.
I flew out of here with the gang just before 9:00 for a 9:00 appointment and yes, I was late. I knew I was having a hard week, but I didn't know I was on the verge of tears until people started talking to me. And then it seemed like it was pretty much anytime someone talked to me.
I was in the waiting room and my friend who works there walked by and asked how I was doing... said she read on Facebook I had been to the hospital for a migraine. (I woke up with it Monday and tried all day to get rid of it and couldn't. But I also had a swooshing noise in my ear that started the night before and was concerning me. So I went to the ER and they got my pain under control, gave me some anti-inflammatory meds, did a CT scan to make sure my aneurysm wasn't bleeding and told me to follow up with my neurologist on the noise.... which I'm doing tomorrow.) I started to explain all that to her and when I said "I'm just getting really discouraged with my health" I started to cry....
They called me in and the woman asked me how I was doing.... I have mentioned I hate that question right? It's like I'm either going to lie and say 'good' or tell the truth and we're both going to wish I would have lied. So I just shook my head in an attempt at shooing the question away and so I wouldn't cry. She shook her head along with me as if to say "what does this mean?" and then asked "Do you have someone to talk to?" "Um yeah... I guess so... but not really... I don't know... " I said. "I just have a lot going on physically and it's been a hard week." And as I said that, the tears started to flow again...
Suddenly this little baby girl, maybe 9 or 10 months old, crawled over and pulled herself up on my chair. I smiled and said hi to her as I wiped my tears. Her mom gave me permission to pick her up and I spent the rest of my appointment holding this sweet little girl, pulling papers out of her hand... and her mouth... and showing her a book. The lady asked me a question and I ignored her...
"Oh, I'm sorry... what did you say? I'm a little pre-occupied..." I said.
"Rightfully so" she said with a smile.
Most of the people at WIC know who I am and know Rachel. They knew me well before her because when I first started going there I was in jail and pregnant with Desirae. I CRIED thru every appointment. And I mean *sobbed*. I was 23 then and being pregnant in jail was a nightmare. It was actually one of the nurses at Avis Goodwin/WIC who wrote a letter of concern to the Judge (because I lost 6 pounds in one week and it was a smoking facility at that point and they were concerned for the baby's health) that got me out of jail 8 months early on house arrest. I would have had Des in jail if it wasn't for her. But you can imagine a story like that isn't one they would forget easily.
When I went thru everything with Rachel, these women loved on me and made sure I knew they were there for me. Hugs and offers for help were constant. I saw one of them at the gas station the week before Rachel's Race this summer and my face was showing my stress level and she yelled to me as I left "One more week to go! You're almost there!" It's always a blessing when I feel understood... but when I feel understood without saying a word, that is a huge gift. I can't put words to it really.
That's how I felt when I was completely lost in my time with a baby girl and I looked up at the women helping me to find a smile that seemed to understand. I didn't have to explain and she didn't rush me for the next client.... she just let me soak up my time with a little girl. And it did my heart good. I wanted to tell the mom about Rachel... about why it meant so much to me to hold her daughter... but I didn't, I just asked her name.
Eventually she started crying and I handed her back... but I felt so much better. Children are indeed a blessing from the Lord. That child stopped my tears in a matter of seconds and she wasn't even mine! It certainly felt like the timing of her coming over to me was straight from God.
After I dropped Des at the gym, I brought the 4 boys with me to visit Papa, which was a very bad idea. Asa ran off on me and almost pulled over someone's oxygen tank, which would have been a disaster. After about 30 minutes trying to talk to my Papa and not really being able to, I decided that it's probably not very good for him to have that craziness there and packed us up. I'll have to make those trips when I can find a sitter or Matt's home. I was so disappointed.
But as I was walking out, one of the employees commented "All boys!?" and Sam said "No, we have one girl too." She looked at me for confirmation and I said "Actually, we have 2 girls, one is at gymnastics and one is in heaven." and she immediately said "Oh, are you...." and she paused trying to think... "You're Meagan's sister?" I told her I am and she said "You built a playground for your daughter, right?"
We don't live in a small town. It's not huge, but I wouldn't consider it a small town. My high school class had close to 400 people and I didn't even know half of them. So the fact that Rachel is known around here everywhere we go is unreal. She has impacted thousands of people... even though she never said a word. Her life was...IS... part of God's story. She had to be exactly who she was in order for that to be.
Because of who God created her to be.... She is loved all over the world. Still bringing hope to people constantly. Talked about every day. Remembered every minute. Never forgotten.