All Heart

After watching Rocky III, I had to really resist writing a post titled "The Eye of the Tiger"....for real. I'll admit, I am aware that I look deeper into these things than most people probably would.  I'm not sure what you call that part of my personality, but it just is who I am.  And I believe God made me that way for a purpose.

So, Netflix (the company we use for streaming videos) has failed me again.  Seems every time they get wind that I might actually like a series they have, they get rid of it before I'm finished... so I'm getting rid of them!  But we now have Amazon Prime and we were able to order Rocky IV as a rental the other night. 

Let me give you the run down...  The guy that Rocky lost to in the first movie (Apollo Creed), that he then beat in part 2, has since become his trainer - helping him kick Mr. T's behind in part III  In this one, Apollo decides he wants to go back in the ring to fight this "Russian Giant" who they are unaware is on steroids.  He's a mean machine and Apollo doesn't make it through 2 rounds before he got knocked down and killed.  So, Rocky buries his friend and then has no choice but to mess this guy up.... Adrian isn't happy about this because she wants him to stop and just "move on like everyone else".  She tells him "You can't win!" but Rocky says he can't stop because he's a fighter and that's what fighters do...fight.

Since the Russian had proven to be CrAzY, on the way into the ring, Rocky's brother-in-law Polly tells him that if he could be anyone in the world, he'd choose him cause 'he's all heart.'

In the beginning of the fight, they said "this is truly a case of David vs Goliath".  Rocky goes to the last round at which point they show them each in their corners - the giant says "This guy isn't human" and Rocky says "He's just a man" - Seems after the crazy steroid guy goes a few rounds with someone who is all heart, he starts to get tired and give up.  He isn't used to people who get back up after he knocks them down.... but as we learned in Rocky II....Rocky always gets back up.

In the last round, Rocky knocked him out....  GO ROCKY!  I love that guy!  Seriously, how could anyone not like him??   But I'm getting off track...  what's my point....My point is that it had nothing to do with ability, strength or size.  He won because his heart was in it.

Yesterday Matt & I went out for 4 hours while my sister babysat and we put up posters for Rachel's race everywhere.  We put up yard signs and talked to tons of people.  People would say "no, you can't hang a sign in my window" and we'd pull it out and show them our sweet girl and tell them our story and within minutes, the poster was up or they were asking for another one to hang up somewhere else.  People can't resist her.... or our heart for her.

(side note:  My knees are getting better!!  I hurt a little, but after all that walking, not bad!)

We came home and while looking for something on a computer I don't use often (but used while I was at the hospital having her), I came across her birth photos from my camera.... and her birth video.  I didn't cry much...  but I did find myself talking to her as if she could hear me.  I was saying things like "you're so pretty", "you were amazing" and "I miss you baby girl".  I watched her birth a couple of times and stared at the photos of me as I was getting ready to meet her in the operating room and as I held her.  I thought back to those moments and what it felt like.  I remember feeling relieved that I finally knew what was going to happen; how it all would unfold, even though I wasn't happy with it - and also that I got to meet her alive... and then being so disappointed that she didn't live longer.  I wanted the kids to meet her alive too.

But as I looked at each picture, the look on my face was clearly one of love, hope, and dedication.  And I'll never regret going to the last round against my 'giant' for her.  I remember looking up at Matt as I felt them tugging her out and saying to him "she's coming" and I was scared to death.  That moment forever changed who I am.  I had to dig deep and pray like I had never prayed before and trust Him like I had never trusted Him before.  I had chosen to be cut open for a chance at just a few minutes with my daughter... and that is all I got.  When they handed her back to me after putting me on a different bed to bring us back to my room, she was already gone and yet, I can see it there too....  I was all heart.  I didn't know I could love like that.  I put my whole heart into it... into her... the life that God gave to me and allows me to call mine - even though she was really His. 

And you know what?  I'm not stopping there.  I don't care if people think I'm holding on to this longer than I should.  I don't care if people judge me for not 'letting it go' - They don't understand my life as a whole, nor do they take the time to.  They just judge me and assume they know by looking at me or a couple of blog posts how far I've come in my 'healing' (or what they define healing as) as if that's ever going to happen completely on this side of heaven. 

I love my dead daughter just like I love my living children and my God.  With an unashamed love that goes deeper, wider, longer than I ever knew possible... with all my heart. With the heart that He gave me.  It's not from me, it's from Him and it's for His purposes.  And I trust His purposes, even when I don't like His plan.  I trust that I have this unquenchable desire to share her with the world because God gave it to me and is going to use it for His glory.  It's not about hanging on to the past or not moving forward.  It's not even about making something good out of something hard.  I'm not that strong. It's about obedience to my Lord. It's about surrender.  It's about the fact that God knew before the foundations of the earth that Rachel would live, die, and that I would be her mother...  and when He created me, He knew what was going to come - and He foreordained every. single. thing. that happened in my life from the day I came out of my mother (thanks, Mom) :o) until now to prepare me... my heart... for this task... this unbelievable honor... of loving that little girl with all that I am and leaving a legacy with her of what it means to hope in Jesus. And along the way, having the honor of being able to bless other people in her memory.  How could I do all that if I try to forget and move on?  I can't do it....This is who I am now.  And I like who I am because of her.

I'm going to the last round....  and I WILL still be standing.  Satan can try to tell me I can't win, the crowd can all boo and throw tomatoes at me...even cheer for the Russian guy. Everyone can say I'm nuts.  I don't care.  I know what I'm being called to.  One day I will stand before God and I am absolutely certain that HE will be pleased with my sacrifice, even if nobody else understands why I can't just stop fighting and move on.  God and only God will tell me when it's time to leave her in the past.   

Can you hear that??  I think I hear The Eye of the Tiger :o)  grrrrrr.....