Silence.
It's been a very difficult few weeks for me. I feel distant from my feelings about Rachel... and not in the 'moving on' kind of way, more in a "avoiding it so I don't start crying and never stop" kind of way. I've had hard things to deal with - and some regular old daily life stuff, too. But the one thing that is cutting through my heart is the silence - in every direction.
This has been building up for the last couple of weeks with many unanswered requests for adivce, info about/support for Rachel's race, or even just talking to the kids and it's as if I'm a mute. Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming for help and nobody can hear me - or worse, they just keep walking. But tonight, the straw broke the camels back and I wondered why I bother trying to do anything.
I was tempted to be bitter... but the truth is it really makes me sad - so instead I cried. but as I sat there with tears flowing down my face and a complete "I give up" attitude, all I could hear was the lyrics to Selah's "I will carry you" song. (if you've been with me from the beginning, it used to be the song my blogged played) and specifically the line that says...
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know that the silence
Has brought me to His voice
While driving yesterday, Des started playing the CD that we gave out as favors at the baby shower we had for Rachel. And that was one of the songs. I made her change it. I just couldn't listen to it.
I started crying and told her about how when I was pregnant with Rachel things felt easier... not that they were, but God was so close, so real, so LOUD. I didn't have to wait out silence... He was always speaking - and everyone and their sister wanted to 'be there' for me... sending me remiders that they were thinking of me and letting me know they love me - as well as sharing things that had happened to them that makes them identify with me so I don't feel so alone. Just saying her name. I will forever be so thankful for all the love I received during that time, but with each new day.... it gets softer, more distant... almost non-existant. I guess it has to. The phone doesn't ring, my inbox remains mostly empty, people say one thing and do another, and my attempts to interact with people go unaknowledged. And I'll be honest, I'm following suit. I officially have lost my drive to respond. 'Discouraged' doesn't suffice.
And so I guess, as much as the silence hurts, I'm just begging God that in it, I will find His voice. His direction. His answers. His friendship, support, love.
Please Lord don't let this silence just be empty.
I don't know if my last comment went through....my email got all crazy on me! :)
ReplyDeleteThe silence is almost the hardest thing of all....everyone can go back to their lives as though nothing has happened, and yet you can never, ever be the same. I have no idea why people feel we should "move on", I like to think of it more as creating a new "normal", one in which our losses are woven into our daily lives, not as a burden, but as a living, breathing memory and that can take a very long time,,,sometimes even a lifetime!. If you lose your mother, no one would expect you to act as if you never had a mom...is it supposed to be different with our children?
Know that my ears will never tire listening to a mom talking about her children, both the ones her arms can hold and the ones who our arms ache to hold again, <3
~Monique
love you...
ReplyDeleteI have not been to your page in sometime,however, today I was reading an entry from April..it was about your devotinal that night John 16....and that it held nothing for you...In my way of thinking, perhaps you missed verse 22 intended (?) message for you from Rachel though God's living word "Therefore you now have sorrow; but I (Rachel)will see you again and your heart will rejoice and your joy no one can take from you" Blessings and hugs and prayers to you!
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