Sadly, I noticed it was gone (it was an on-line link) and when I contacted her was told that she will not allow me to have it because she doesn't think my blog -or more precisely, how I love God and love others - is worthy of it.
I'm heartbroken. It's irreplaceable footage that I'm wishing I just recorded myself.
I'm embarrassed. I wish I could do this grief thing better. I'm so tired of failing God.
I feel betrayed. I believed her when she said it was a donation and that she was doing it for me.
I'm discouraged. All I ever wanted was to make Rachel's life beautiful. And I'm apparently failing her too.
It's not as professional looking, but here is my replacement video for all you other mothers who had babies remembered at Rachel's Race last year. I am so sorry that because of the way I have handled my pain, you don't have the other one anymore, but this one is made with love... for you...for your babies... no strings attached. And I will never take it away from you. No matter how imperfect you are.
And to everyone who loves me just the way I am... thank you for loving me like God does. I know I can be hard to love at times, but please know that my heart yearns to be more like Jesus every day and I need you more than you know. It's your unconditional love - and God's - that help me to heal.
You are truly His hands and feet to me.
Here it is... Baby Rachel's Legacy - 1st Annual 5K... I wrote out parts of my speech (Thankfully I kept it!) that on the other video were in my voice. I think it came out nice, hopefully you enjoy it.
I've made some bad choices along this journey, but this ceremony was not one of them so it should be shared. I pray that my heart for God and others is apparent in it. I did it all for them.