Friday when I went to Rachel's grave, I spent some time writing her a letter. I'm glad I did because it was so nice out and today it's raining and is supposed to for days. I guess that's fitting considering how I feel. I can't believe it's been 18 months. I can't believe she would be walking and talking. I can't believe how much I miss her.
On the way there, we went passed the on ramp that everyone has been messaging me about....it's covered with daisies. Honestly, the highway and the edge of every main road around here is right now - I've never seen anything like it and I've lived here my entire life. I am convinced God is showering me in an extra special way and keeping people thinking about her. I took a couple pictures (while stopped at the light by the on ramp) and as we picked up speed on to the highway, I was yelling to the kids "look at all the daisies!!! She's everywhere! God loves us so much!" They all were smiling at my excitement and Samuel started pointing and yelled along with me... "Look at 'em all!"
I suppose it could be just a coincidence that they bloomed just before her anniversary.... but I doubt it.
We went to her grave and found a princess wand for Rachel for her birthday and a little gift for Desirae from my friend Elisha. It was so sweet and Des was so excited to get something for her there. Elisha wrote to her about what a good big sister she is to Rachel, which made me cry. She is such an amazing big sister to Rachel....she really is.
I sat down and I wrote....and cried.... and then said goodbye again as I left my girl in the cemetery another time. But I guess rather than try to tell you how I feel, I'll just share the letter I wrote with you here.
I sit here at your grave, another Friday without you. The skies are clear, the sun is warm, and there is a light breeze. The sound of an airplane in the distance makes a white noise over the sounds of your sister and brothers playing. Everything feels comfortable and nice - everything except the fact that you're still gone. It's been almost 18 months since I held you and kissed you. 18 long months of trying to make your grave pretty. 18 long months of aching arms and a hole in my heart. And I'm okay. God is still good. But I hate my new normal and trying to make purpose out of my pain. Each day when I wake, you are close to the first thought on my mind and at night, always the last. I never knew I could hold so much love for someone I hardly knew. I wasn't prepared for this. Sometimes I wonder how I can miss you so much when I never had you as a part of my daily life, but you are part of me and when you died, so did a piece of me. I will never be the same. And that's okay too.
Until you Rachel, I never knew love - my love or God's love - like I do now. You have been a blessing beyond compare and I will love you and care for you every day of my life here until I see you again. Every time I lift my hands in praise to God or dance like no one is watching, I will think of you and smile as I imagine you doing the same with God and the promise of us one day dancing and praising Him together hand in hand.
18 months feels like forever. It doesn't compare to eternity. I can't wait to see you again. I miss you so much.
With all my love,
MamaAfter Desirae's acting class, we looked across the street and there were MORE! So, we stopped and Isaiah got out and picked some for Rachel.
We serve an awesome God who is the Only One who can comfort in times of such sorrow. Please remember me in prayer as I make my way through another June 3rd. I'm already crying and it's just begun. This is going to be a hard day for me. But I am confident God can and will carry me through it as I once again lay my daisy at the foot of His cross and fix my eyes on His fields.