Walk the Talk

Tonight Matt & I went to a wake for a friend's son.  He was only 22 years old and got hit by a car while walking.  When I walked in, she walked right up to me and hugged me for a long time.  She pulled me to the side and said "I have to tell you this cause you'll understand and nobody else will"  And as she shared her heart with me, I cried with her and I totally 'got it'. 

I hate that I get it.  But at the same time, I'm so thankful I can be there for someone in a way I could have never been before Rachel.  I'm so thankful for my daughter.  I'm so thankful for the way God has carried me and taught me and lifted me on wings like eagles....  For His provision, purpose and protection.  For His plan, His ways, His sovereignty.

I hate what sin in this world does.  I hate that mothers and fathers bury their babies - no matter how old they are.  I hate death.  But I serve a God who hates all those things too.  He knows our pain and cares about it.  And this was never what He wanted in this world.  He is good.  And one day He will wipe away every tear for those who trust in the name of Jesus.

I look forward to that day.

But today, reality is here.  Pain is real.  Loss is suffocating.

I sat there tonight and looked around at the beautiful flowers that surrounded his casket.... through my tears I cried to Matt " I don't ever want to have to do this."  And I was full of fear that I may one day have to bury my child.  I recently said "When Des gets married, I'm going to be thinking about Rachel" and tonight I was ashamed.... who am I to assume I will get to see Desirae get married?  Just because she is here doesn't give me a guarantee.  One day I could be standing by her casket.... the thought is paralyzing. 

I went to the bathroom before we left and as I washed my hands I felt my milk let down... I looked into the mirror and thought "Oh my gosh, I HAVE done this before..." as I remembered the feeling of my milk 18 months ago at Rachel's funeral.  It's as if I had temporarily gone back into denial.  And again, reality bit me.

What choice do I have but to rub the sting and keep going?  I  beg God to help me be His hands and feet in this woman's life as she endures this deep loss and buries her baby.  To be quiet and pray... to give hugs... to let her be right where she is....to help in practical ways and be there in thoughtful, simple ways.  To bless her in all the ways I've learned are helpful and spare her in all the ways I've found painful...to not need to have all the answers to all her questions... to trust God to show her the way.

I'm so thankful for every detail of my walk with Rachel.  Thank You Jesus for letting me be her Mama - for changing me through her so that I can better serve those who hurt like I've hurt.