We've started watching the old Rocky movies together. Last night we were on Rocky 2, where the "Italian Stallion" has a re-match against the same guy he fought in the first one, "Apollo Creed". At the beginning of the fight, Apollo is in one corner bouncing around all cocky telling Rocky he is finished and Rocky is on his knees in his corner praying. They go 15 rounds, just like the first movie and at the end of the last round, they BOTH fall down at the same time. Then in slow motion, you watch (and if you're like me, you feel like you want to puke and your entire body is tense... you may also be yelling "get up Rocky!" as if he can hear you... maybe it's just me...) while they both pull on the ropes and try to pull themselves up. They are bloody, beaten and totally exhausted... but they have to stand up to win. Their entire lives depend on this moment...
So, here's the thing... After our story was in the Focus on the Family magazine, I was contacted by a woman who has also lost two babies. Originally, she just contacted me because she had questions about how to start a perinatal hospice program - but God is so good to me, because we became fast friends and have emailed regularly since. And this happened at at time when I was in need of friendship from someone who gets it. Through sharing her own experience, she is challenging me to continue to fight for my girl and our God.
I had mentioned that I was thinking that maybe blogging wasn't a good idea for me anymore - that maybe the backlash I get from it isn't worth it - and how bad I felt that I had blogged all this negative stuff at the same time they put my blog address in the magazine. Her response was that if I want to stop at some point, then do, but not now in a time when I am in a hard spot in my faith. She said to keep blogging and share how God is helping me through this.... even if it's a tiny bit at a time. To not let Satan win. She promised to pray for me through this and suggested I ask others to as well. She also said that she's been reading thru my blog and sees the beauty in my journey - which I really needed to be reminded of, since at this point people seem to focus on the hard things I go thru now and usually just think I'm a mess - which sometimes I am...shouldn't I be entitled to that once in a while?
And I know it might sound funny, but at the end of the fight, when Rocky pulled himself to his feet and yelled "Yo, Adrian, I did it!" That's right, he won! I was reminded that winning the fight doesn't mean you never get knocked down... sometimes it's the getting back up that does it. He started on his knees and ended on his feet - Apollo started on his feet and ended on his face.
So, I've gone a few rounds with the father of lies... I've been beaten down....I'm exhausted - and it's no surprise it happened at a time when our story was going to glorify God in a magazine.
But I refuse to stay down. I'm getting back up. My life depends on it.
Greater is He who is in me then he who is in the world (1John 4:4)
I know I've blogged this video before, but it came to mind tonight... Please, if you see (read) me starting to struggle, instead of calling in the troops on me and trying to have an intervention or something, can you try just giving me a hug and *really* praying for me... I mean like not saying you will and then not, but actually praying against satan's advances in my life? I am obviously vulnerable and a good target since I have reason to be upset as it is and so many people (believers and unbelievers) are watching my every move. I need your prayer, not your judgement... please....
Don't sit on the sideline and critique how bloody I am. Pray for me and cheer me on....I am going to get knocked down sometimes.
But, I will rise to my feet again. With God's help, I will. I guess I've always had a little fighter in me.