Tuesday, May 15, 2012

6 Months Dead and Alive

The day before Rachel's 6 month birthday, I went to the greenhouse to buy plants for a garden I was planning to put in at her memorial playground - filled with determination to not let my sorrow overcome me, I did the only thing I could think of to do for her.

The day before Asa's 6 month birthday, I played with him on my lap, listened to him laugh, smiled at him, and held his hands.  Filled with the joy and excitement of watching my baby grow, I didn't have to come up with some other way to nurture him... I got to do it for real.

On Rachel's 6 month birthday, I stood alone in the parking lot of my church wearing a Team Rachel shirt, 4 months pregnant with Asa, fighting with the hard ground, lifting bags of soil, sweating like crazy, and working hard to plant some flowers in her memory.

Today, on Asa's 6 month birthday, I fed him bananas for the first time.  He got covered, I got covered, his seat got covered.  I took pictures. We all laughed and gathered around as we watched another milestone come and go.  He held on to my wrist and grabbed at the spoon.

The simple life. 

I looked at the pictures after and when I saw his hand holding onto my wrist where Rachel's hand print is.... I couldn't help but wish that I could feel her hold on to me too. 

I can't believe 6 months have gone by since we welcomed this sweet baby boy into our home.  He's growing faster than I would like - and every day he amazes me more... and makes me miss her a little more too.  He's just 2 weeks behind where she would have been at this time last year.  It's hard not to wonder about the might-have-been's. 

I'm so thankful I get to watch him grow.  I'm thankful for smiles, laughter, chubby legs, cuddling, experiencing life with him.  But I'm also thankful for sleepless nights, poopy blowouts, spit up on my new or clean shirts and inconveniences.  I'm thankful for the every day struggles... having to bounce a crying baby, teething, gas and boredom that keep him needing me...  because when I look across the room and see him smile at me with a twinkle in his eyes, instead of looking over to see a memory box.... well, to say it makes it all worth it would be a serious understatement.  It makes me long for the bad with the good. 

As I was writing this post Asa started crying - I got up and picked him up and started dancing with him to the song on the radio... "I love the way you love me" and cried.  He put his chubby cheek to mine and just hugged me. 

I can feel her anniversary coming already.... It's as if my heart can tell time.  Why is this so hard? 


  1. Your stories make me laugh and cry both at the same time, sometimes. You are such an inspiration, I wish I could be as strong as you. :)Your children are so beautiful and someday I just wish to see you and hug you, just to show my admiration. HUGS AND WARM WISHES TO YOU!

  2. Written with so much love for the two youngest of your family! <3 Oh man, what a path of joy and sorrow that has to be for you :-(
    Praying for you. Love and hugs, anja


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