Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Does This Hurt?

At the retreat, My friend Naomi's baby girl found her voice - and she looked right at me and squealed.  I'm not kidding, I felt LOVED :o)  I think she likes me!  Apparently she hadn't done that before and hasn't really since.

At the next meal time, her Mama came over to me and asked me if that was hard for me watching her baby.  I thought for a second and told her it hadn't been... but I honestly was really humbled that she cared enough to ask.  To not be afraid that she might be bringing up something that would hurt and just see where I was at.  She took a risk in order to have a chance to show she isn't unaware of the things that could hurt and to know my heart more.  And the truth was, I had asked myself the same thing when I caught myself smiling at her little girl... 

"Does this hurt?"

It didn't 'hurt' right then, but I definitely thought of Rachel... I'm thankful that I am still able to rejoice with others even in my loss. That has been the case since the beginning and is straight from God.  I was also very grateful that I wasn't the only one thinking of her...

All weekend long as I sat in the sessions with Asa - I was holding him and loving him and I could not stop worrying that someone in the room might be struggling with infertility or having just lost a baby and that me & my baby could possibly be hurting them.  I felt the same way leaving the hospital with him.  What if someone else is leaving empty handed today and sees me??   I can't love him any less or kiss him any less or play with him any less over it - and I've never expected anyone else to do that for me either... but I won't lie, it was so encouraging to know that I'm not the only one worrying or considering how my healthy baby might affect someone else. 

And you know, some days it might hurt.  Some days it might not.  I will probably always look at other little baby girls (hopefully some day my own) and wonder if it hurts.  But the fact that I have to 'check in' with my heart tells me something amazing.... it won't always hurt so bad. Because there was a day when I couldn't imagine it not hurting for even a minute.  And it wasn't that long ago.

I thank God, my Healer, for mending my broken heart a little at a time - and although I know I will never be the same as I was (nor do I want to be), I can see a shimmer of hope that healing is happening, even when I can't see it.

1 comment:

  1. <3
    Just wanna say that I am here reading all your post and thinking of you in my daily prayers.
    Love and hugs, anja


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