A Complicated Yard Sale

We had a last minute yard sale today to try to make a little money.  I told Des that whatever she sold, she could keep the money for.  She had this really cute little baby bed and highchair set that we bought her when she decided to give up Barbies (I know, I say it like it's an addiction, but have you seen the toy isle?  I was REALLY proud of her)  So, I never wanted to get rid of these doll toys.  I wanted to save them... and I was saving them for Rachel....  But I decided it didn't make any sense to hold onto them anymore.

Everyone who came was looking at them.  I was inside getting a cup of coffee when I heard someone talking to her about them.  I looked out and saw the lady peek past them, over the top of our fence and into my garden, where Rachel's bench was.  And then I heard it....

"Oh, you're Rachel's dad?!"

I went out, delivering Matt his breakfast, and she said "I was one of the many people praying for your family."

Every time, including this one, that I have thought about this today, I have cried.  The tears start out as a ones of a proud mama.... I actually said out loud today "I did it pretty girl, you're known"  That's all I ever wanted was for her to be known... not overlooked... not forgotten.  And it's happened.  People know her and love her.

But then my tears turn to sadness....

Isaiah kept asking to sell things and I kept saying no, we have to save that for Asa or for Sam.  He argued "But Desirae gets to sell stuff!"  And in that moment, it hit me... she could only sell it because she has nobody to pass it down to.

The girl who ended up buying it was here with her little girl who was turning 2 tomorrow (she was wearing a ballerina outfit - tu-tu an all! - no joke) and the little girl was in love with it.  $7 changed her world and revealed the empty spot in mine.

So, I had to let it go with another little dancer instead of keeping it for mine.  And as I did, I cried.  I remembered the day I moved that to the attic to 'save it in case we had a girl' and I reminded Des about how she had made the choice to dump Barbie and how proud I was of her.... and that made me cry too.  And as she ran inside with her money, I smiled knowing that neither one of my girls was sad to let those toys go.  Yet cried as I realized how fast Des is growing and how much I'm missing with Rachel.

The next person pulled up and asked "Are all of these kids yours?"  Matt said yes and he said "We have another little girl named Rachel too."  He said "Oh WOW."  and Matt said "She's as happy as can be."

That guy left without knowing she died.  But that's just a minor detail compared to the fact that we have a little girl named Rachel who is alive and is happy as can be. 

And these are the times when I realize how complicated everything is.....even a yard sale.