Changes

After a lot of prayer, Matt & I have decided that I am not going to direct Rachel's Race this year. 

It was not an easy decision as it funds all the things I want to do with Baby Rachel's Legacy, but I am certain that right now, God wants me to be enjoying my kids and focusing on our new baby on the way.  And I will say, I am already so excited that I will not miss another summer with them.  I only get so many summers with them and I have already been through half of what I will have with Des - and I've missed the last two with races and the one before that with Rachel's pregnancy.  I don't want to miss any more time with them... and I am looking forward to enjoying the rest of this pregnancy.  The cool thing is that Rachel will be just as much a part, if not more so, of our time then when I am running around trying to do everything for the race.


We will reassess the race next year, but this year I am going to do some smaller things for Rachel.  Things that bring me and my family JOY and not stress. Things that speak more to who she is and who we are because of her...and especially who God is.  I have a couple ideas for different fundraisers/gifts already. 

I need to say, that it is not the race in itself that feels impossible right now.  And actually, the race has absolutely NOTHING to do with the frustration and overwhelming pressure I have had lately. The race planning hasn't even begun.  For some reason, people can't grasp that, but I just have to keep telling myself it is because they are unaware of how much this nonprofit takes out of me and my family.  If I had people who could take some of the burden off of me so that I didn't have to wear all the hats - from president, to treasurer, to accountant, to fundraising committee, to web design, to advertisement, planning, budgeting... race director and then all the race planning up until the week before race day, I would not need to put anything aside, because it wouldn't be all consuming.  But I can't do it all... contrary to popular belief, I can't.  Actually, I could probably push through and make it happen - and spend another summer feeling like my head could explode.  But I don't want to.  At all.

I'd be lying if I said it doesn't make me a little resentful that I have been so blatantly ignored as I have asked for help over and over.... but I do believe that God is using this pain to bring me to a better place so I am trying to accept it gracefully.  It's very difficult.  And regardless of what God can make of it or how He can use it,  I can't imagine doing it to a friend of mine. 

So, here is my request... please do not tell me how great it is that I am not doing Rachel's Race.  It is a stress relief, but I prefer it not be spoken of like it is exciting news.  Especially if you have been blowing me off through these past couple weeks as I have fallen apart right before your eyes.  I appreciate the confirmation, but since the decision was one I was not planning on making and came after much pain, I would rather not hear how great it is... although I can say myself, I do agree that this is a good decision for our family and I am thrilled at the possibility of welcoming this baby into a calm and peaceful home - it's hard to hear.  The most helpful responses have been ones that acknowledge that this must have been hard for me to decide and that they will miss being at Rachel's Race....but are sure I will find another, more meaningful way to remember my girl.

This entire trial of these past few weeks of nonprofit torture have brought me to a place where I am making a bunch of changes.  I dropped my other two days at work (I had recently dropped Fridays too) - so I went from 4 days a week to now just one night a week,  I am putting Rachel's Race off for this year, and I am changing a few things about the way we homeschool.... including much less running around.  And I CAN'T WAIT to live a less hurried, simpler life again.  Somewhere along the line, I bought into the lie that this is just how life was going to be now that our family is bigger.... and it's not true.  Life does not have to be so crazy - and actually, I believe that God is calling me away from that. 

This morning was awesome, Isaiah and I went grocery shopping before everyone else got up and after Matt left for work, we got chores done and then I was sitting at the table with the kids... nowhere to be, nothing to do for the nonprofit, just me and them and a cup of hot coffee (and they had hot chocolate) and we just read together.  It was history and they were all into it.  Then I helped Isaiah with addition and writing and Des did her work and THEN.... I took a shower!!  (half way through, I had Asa join me and we had fun in the water) Then he took a short nap -  And we went to gym class and I worked out while the kids played sports.  And THEN....I came home and made cookies!  And we ate them with milk.  And I cuddled with my baby.

And I have to say, that was way more blessing then the last couple weeks and I didn't need anyone or anything else to make it happen... just me and my kids.  It was awesome. 

On top of all that, my mom called and said that someone she knows had asked if I was doing the race this year and she said no and the lady said she wanted to make a donation anyway.  So, Baby Rachel's Legacy got a donation while I was busy loving life with my kids.  God is confirming my decisions all over the place.

So tomorrow.... I cleared my calendar again....  this could get addicting. :) 

I talked to one of my friends last week about how hard everything was and she said that all she could think is that God usually reveals Himself to me in pretty big ways and she has no doubt this time will be the same.... just gotta wait for it.  I knew she was right.... but it didn't help my situation.  Well, here it is... He consistently works me towards a life that is more like what He wants for me.  And I consitently see that His ways are better than mine.   It's hard to recognize sometimes that it is ok to change things up - or even when to change things up.  I don't want to do things just because this is what we do.... life is too short for that.  I'm glad that when I am not walking in His will, He makes it apparent to me, even if I have to hurt first.  Because when I realize that something needs to change, and am willing to lay my pride down and follow His lead, things always get better.

I went to the new website I created to remove the race page I had done up.... and I couldn't get myself to do it yet.  I guess I wanted to show it to somebody before all my work went down the tubes.  I spent HOURS and HOURS on creating this site and I was pretty excited about it.... so if you want to humor me, you can look at my new website, keeping in mind that a bunch of it doesn't apply now .... Baby Rachel's Legacy

And please keep praying... I have a few more decisions to make that are even harder and more complicated than any of this.  They are weighing on me so I am hoping for an answer soon.

(I hit "publish" and the time was 12:03....my girl's day.....)