It's a....

When I was pregnant with Desirae, we did not find out until the day she was born what she was.  We tried to and they couldn't see so then when given the option with later ultrasounds, we decided to go for the surprise since everything we had was yellow and green anyway.  I had really been hoping for a boy.  I thought buying little hats and cute collared shirts would be fun... I had no idea that they don't leave those cute hats on and that the shirts with the collars weren't all the comfy!  I was convinced it was a boy and since all the medical staff kept calling her a 'him', I thought they were 'slipping' and telling me on accident!  But when she came out and I heard "It's a girl!" I don't remember a single ounce of disappointment - and I never even considered again the idea of her being anything but the perfect little girl she was.  And I fell completely head over heels in love with her.  I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

Something you need to understand about me & Des is that I had her while still on house arrest.  I couldn't go anywhere.  I also was brand new in my sober life and had absolutely no old friends.  I had a few new ones from Beauty School, but I trusted nobody.  Matt & I were 'rocky' to put it mildly.  Our relationship was HORRIBLE and completely unhealthy.  We were not married and when Des was 18 months old, we split up... So then it was just me & her.  We were quite the team and she gave me a reason to do everything I needed to do from school, to work, to staying clean and sober.  She was -and still is- extraordinarily brilliant.  I had no idea how much so because she was my first and I always worked in daycares with older kids.  She was -and still is- really funny and witty.  She lit up - and still does - every room she walks into, even when she says nothing.  She is just amazing and beautiful and she was all mine.  We did everything together.

We started going to church - just me & her - because I thought it would be 'good for her'...and I found Christ with her sitting on my lap.  I'm the only Christian in my family so now it was really just me & her.  She would witness to her Daddy on weekends and he hated that I was 'forcing religion on her'.  I found her at around 20 months old singing Amazing Grace in her room all alone....this child was God's provision in my life... the little girl who removed me from my old ways and gave me reason to live, always reminding me how good God was - long before I understood anything about His character.

Both Matt & I were in different relationships while we were apart and mine was 6 weeks shy of a marriage when we called it off.  The invitations went in the trash, I gave the ring back, the deposits were lost.  Soon after, Matt & I decided to give it one more try after 18 months of being apart. A couple months later, He found Christ and a couple months after that, we got married.  It was a ROUGH first couple of years.  But God has been good to us and always faithful... always enough when we felt like we couldn't stand another minute together!  And that is the short version.  :)

I am telling you this because ever since Desirae, I have wanted another girl.  And the only other girl I have had, I didn't get to keep.  I want another girl for me, but more than that, I want another girl for Desirae.  My sister & I are so close and I want my girl to have that - and sadly Rachel will never be that for her, no matter how much Des loves her or what lengths I do to to make sure she is not forgotten as part of our family.

I've been bombarded with the "Do you know what you're having?" questions lately.  I'm sure it will continue for the rest of my pregnancy.  That's not as bad as the "Have you found out if you're having a girl yet?"  I know everyone is just curious if I'm going to finally get "that girl" I've been hoping for, but it still hurts, because I did get my girl.  I have 2 of them - which isn't actually that much less than the 3 boys I have!  When we go out and there is obviously just one girl with us, people look at me with pathetic eyes as they say "Maybe this one will be a girl"  And believe me, I want another girl....but it makes my heart scream because either they don't know Rachel exists, or if they do, they are in some ways hoping another girl will help fill the void that she left.  But that's not possible.  There will always be a girl missing in my life. 

With Isaiah, I wanted a girl... he was a surprise and "A boy!!" and I was not disappointed at all.  And neither was Des - And Matt was thrilled.  It was awesome.  One of each.

With Sam, I wanted a girl... we found out ahead of time and I cried for a week!  Isaiah was more 'boy' than I knew what to do with and I couldn't fathom how I would take care of two of them so close together!  By the time he was born, I was thrilled he was a boy and that my boys would be close in age.  I'm guessing the brother relationship is just as awesome as the sister relationship.  But Des still needed that sister.  And she was pretty sad.  Sam has turned out to be her closest sibling and they have a very special relationship. 

With Rachel... I was desperate for a girl.  And I got her. ♥

With Asa... I didn't care.  I wanted a round head, a growing brain, and a baby I could leave the hospital with.  Hearing anyone ask about what he was infuriated me because "Does it really matter!?"  If he was alive, breathing and fully formed... that's all I wanted and I now knew that that was actually a lot to ask for - It's not that easy for those things to all come together in the womb.  Gender meant nothing to me.

And so here is where I need to be honest - I have been really excited about this baby.  I didn't expect this because Asa's pregnancy was so hard on me emotionally and mentally.  But this baby has given me so much clarity on why that was and it's more detailed than just the fact that Rachel had died. 

I was 10 weeks out from burying my baby when I found out he was on his way - my hormones never even calmed down before they were in full swing again and sometimes I had trouble separating the babies.  I would forget at times that it wasn't Rachel I could feel moving around... I would accidentally call him Rachel... and when people demanded I be 'thankful', 'excited', or 'happy' about this new life that they thought I couldn't see the blessing of... it felt like a huge slap in the face where Rachel was concerned.  Not that it makes any sense or holds any truth... but it was more than fear of losing another baby... it was fear of anyone forgetting her...my way of protecting her and to be loyal to her.  It was not something I intentionally did, but looking back, I can see the uncontrollable need to defend my little girl, dead or alive.  And I knew that Asa would never hold it against me, so I did what I needed to do for HER.  But people didn't like that and I was judged for being so 'unthankful'.

I also was in the hardest part of my grief.  The part where you realize just how much this loss is going to change your life.  And the same point where the rest of the world moves on.  The two happening at the same time is hard enough, but sporting another baby bump brought lots of conversations that were so painfully reminders of Rachel - as well as the incorrect idea that I was moving on too.  I was not prepared for it - I thought it was going to be similar to my miscarriage and it was completely different.  I fell for the lie myself that a new baby was going to help heal that hole.  It never happened.  Not even to this day.  So, that is PART of what God has shown me in this new pregnancy... but there is more.

I feel horribly guilty for wanting another girl.  I feel like, after all I've been thru, I should only care about the health - after all, there is no guarantee I'll even bring this baby home - even after seeing a round head.  I know that.  But here's the truth.... I want another girl.  I feel shallow.  It SO doesn't matter.  And ultimately, I hope everyone knows that I just want a healthy baby that can seriously inconvenience me and keep me up all night long.  I want poop and spit up and crying and nursing... I want life.  I want another Aube baby.  They are all so unbelievably awesome. 

But since it's been taunting me... and thankfully, but sadly, the only thing I seem to worry about these days (which really irritates me because it drives me crazy when people say they are getting their 'ultrasound to find out if it's a boy or girl' when really that ultrasound is to find out if the baby can live outside their womb!)  I need to get this off my heart...  I usually am able to release things once I just write it... so here it goes - please know that underneath all of this, I understand that this is a ridiculous thing to care about and that I know first hand how bad I would feel if something was wrong with the baby and the gender had held this much weight in my mind.  I've been there...at Rachel's ultrasound... the one where I found out she was a girl that was going to die.

I want another girl.  I want Des to have a sister she can keep.  I want to buy dresses again.  I want to use some of Rachel's things.  And I'm scared to have another boy.  Not because I don't love my boys (they are awesome and actually really love their Mama), but because I hate that I *might* be disappointed.  I feel so done having babies and I just want a girl.  The girl I've been hoping for since it was just me & Des.  But what I've come to realize, and what I need people to know...

It's got nothing to do with Rachel dying or not being able to fill those shoes.  Nothing.  I actually cared more about having another girl BEFORE she died.  I have wanted another girl because Desirae was so amazing.  I look at her pictures and I crave another little girl like her.  It took me finally admitting to myself that I have a preference for me to see that it isn't because Rachel died.  It's because Desirae lives. 

But what God has reminded me lately is that I have Desirae.  She is here and while I'm busy wishing I could have another one like her, she is growing up and I'm going to eventually look at photos of her now and think of how amazing she was at 10 years old and wish I would have soaked it up more - like I did when it was just me & her.  I think the reason I desire another girl so much has more to do with the irreplaceable relationship I had with Desirae when I was a single mom, just finding Christ.  What a season of love and growth that was!  It was really the best time of my life.   I can never go back there again - not even if I have another girl - and I need to just be thankful that I had that time at all... some people don't.  Even Matt didn't get that with her. 

Desirae loves to dance and twirl randomly around the house...often, I hear myself say "Des, stop that."  Am I freakin' serious!?  Stop that?  What a crappy thing to say.  I loved every second of Rachel's dancing...I would have given anything to see Rachel twirl like that and I'm going to tell my beautiful 10 year old to stop it?  It's stupid.  If she died tomorrow, I would seriously regret that.

So, what I'm getting at is that I want another girl like you read about... if I have a boy, I'm not going to go dressing him up like a girl or anything - but what I'm going to do with this undeniable desire is use it to cause me to love my living girl more... deeper....to spend more time and soak up our relationship as she grows.  I'm going to take her to do girl things, laugh with her more, dance with her more, get to know her heart more... and remember that if she's all I get to keep for girls around here, then it is exactly what God knows is best for us.  I trust that HE knows much better than I what I need now and what I'll need in the future.  I also believe that He has a specific story already written for each child He places in my womb... and who am I to debate what gender He deems fit for His plan?

But go ahead and try to tell me she wasn't the cutest little 18 month old!  She had a contagious laugh and a unmatchable smile - and still does! And about 20 times more hair than Asa does at 15 months!  I had already cut her hair a few times by this point!  She had a raspy little voice and talked like she was 4.  This would be why Rachel's 18 month birthday was so hard... I knew what I was missing.  I assume as I watch Des go thru all her milestones, especially her wedding and having children, I will again grieve what I don't get to see Rachel do. 

True story:  Des just said to me "Mama, I like Asa without hair." (is she in my head!?)  I'm cracking up right now, I love this girl.  I'm not used to this with my babies that have all had heads full of hair,  but she's right, he is kinda cute without hair. 

And so the big answer to the constant question.... No, we don't know what we're having.  It's going to be a surprise!  And if by chance we find out by accident at the ultrasound (which I'm secretly hoping for!).... we're not telling!! :)