Loved First

Getting married the same week of Valentines Day sort of made Valentines day a day that really doesn't seem worth celebrating.  It's not that we're against it, and Matt did bring me some pretty daisies... but we use our time out and gifts for our anniversary, our real "love day". 

The kids woke up this morning all excited about it being Valentines Day and my Mama Guilt set in over the fact that I didn't plan anything red.  I didn't buy any candy.  I didn't set up a playdate for a Valentines Tea or make a couple dozen Valentines for them to give to their friends.  I mean, have you seen the extent that some people go to over this Hallmark business move?  I need to invent a holiday!

Oh well, I've 'failed' at worse things I thought.... and I went about my day.

I haven't had Des work on handwriting all year. (Yes, I said all YEAR) I had decided it wasn't important and she's been doing all her writing assignments on the computer.  Typing is what people do nowadays  I reasoned.  Well, on Tuesday, another mom had mentioned how important she thought handwriting is.  My Mama Guilt set in and I determined to start handwriting with her again.  Wednesday we were gone all day at our co-op so today was the day.

"Get your handwriting out, Des" I said, like it was normal, as I took a sip of my coffee.
"What?!  Handwriting, are you serious, we never do handwriting!"  she moaned
"I know, but I want you to start working on it again."
She hemmed and hawed until I told her that for every verse at the end of a lesson that she did well, I would give her a nickel.  Yep, I've officially lowered my standards to bribing... we'll call it positive reinforcement.  It worked like a charm!  Or should I say, like a nickel!

"Just so happened" that she had left off last year on the greatest "Love" verse there is....

 As I hung it on the fridge, I noticed the heart magnet I had grabbed and that's when I noticed how fitting the verse was.  I looked at Des and said "Perfect verse for Valentines Day, isn't it?"  She nodded.  I noticed the page she had chosen to write it on (they are extra in the back of the book) has the 3 crosses on it, like our headstone...

Sam was begging to watch TV and I told him he could, but that we were going to watch a 'learning show'.  I usually just pick a leapfrog letter thing or similar, but I for 'some reason' decided on Mr. Rogers.  I knew this wouldn't go over well cause they've all told me before how boring it is... but I just can't get over how much I liked it as a kid so I forced them.  I told them about how cool it is that he puts on different shoes when he gets inside.  They seemed unimpressed.

I picked a random season from 1993 and sat with Asa for a few and watched it with them.  They were showing how to make teddy bears.  The entire time I couldn't stop thinking about Rachel... I want to get a bear that I can dress in her little dress to have in family photos to represent Rachel with us and I started wondering (because the people made it look so easy!)  if I could sew one myself.  When it was done, Mr Rogers held it up with a big red heart behind it.  I looked at the kids and said "Hey, it's Valentines Day!!" and they all got excited.  (Thank You Lord for providing us with "red" without me planning it!) and this is where it all came full circle... He said:

"You can't love someone else unless you've been loved first"

He repeated it.

"You can't love someone else unless you've been loved first"

Des looked at me and said "For God so loved the world that He gave his only son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life" !!

Exactly what I was thinking... I was so thankful she picked that up too! 

I sat in my livingroom with all my living children - and Rachel on my heart - knowing that we had just had the best Valentines Day ever.  One where we are pointed to the best Love ever... One Who gave His life so that we could be saved from death...  and we didn't even have to try.  We didn't have to have a craft planned or decorate in hearts... He did it for us. 

I had gone to a conference years ago called 'First Loved' that was all about how we have to be filled with God's love before we are capable of really loving....and how some of us don't really let Him fill us for whatever reason.  I think I've been there lately.  I'm just so worn out.  I'm trying to do a million things and feel completely alone in all of it.  Nothing goes smoothly for me. I am being let down left and right and I just want to quit everything.  But I don't even know how.  I can't even figure out how to quit.  My mind is on severe overload and I'm exhausted.  And in all of this, I feel it... the simple truth... people are no longer emotionally motivated by Rachel's death and she no longer takes priority. She's old news...

I woke up yesterday and the first line I heard on the song playing downstairs was "I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb" and I sighed.  I can't do this alone... but maybe I need to stop relying on people to help - or not help - and start remembering where my Help comes from.  Because if I want to keep trying to do this without Him, I will keep being disappointed.  Or maybe it's time to let it go and realize that if nobody can help me or aren't willing to make Rachel's Legacy a priority, it's not realistic for me to keep up with it all.  I'm about to have my 6th baby - my kids don't go away on the yellow bus for the day, I have to teach them everything they need to know - I'm working - and trying to do taxes and applications and planning and websites and design cards and a million things that go along with all of that....and I'm not dumb enough to think that I can possibly keep up like this for much longer before I have a complete breakdown.  Is He telling me to keep pushing through or to let it go?  If I keep pushing with the dynamics I have now, I will never make it.  If I let it go at this point, I will never feel peace about it.  I am totally stuck and I can't find God in the middle.  But He has to be there somewhere......here somewhere......

So anyway, that was a rabbit trail I didn't intend to go down... back to today....

After gym class, I decided to buy them each a sundae from McDonalds 'for Valentines day' and we discovered that hot fudge is not the only option there anymore... we found out today that they have caramel too.  ♥ Rachel ♥  The kids all got caramel and my Mama Guilt said that I should too...for Rachel... but the truth is that I haven't craved caramel like with Rachel since Rachel...although I do think about her every time I see it or taste it... and Baby E was wanting hot fudge.  So I got hot fudge for this little one and snuck a bite of Sam's caramel for Rachel.