My Dreams

I seem to do fine until I have an upcoming appointment.  Makes me want to just skip them all! 

I was feeling great until the two days before my last prenatal and then I started to worry they would listen for the heartbeat and it wouldn't be there.

Now, here I am with about 10 days away from the 'big' ultrasound.  I wish I just wondered what everyone else wonders at this point... does it have a penis or a vagina?  But that's not my reality.

The last three nights, I have had horrible, crazy, scary dreams.  Not much different than the ones I had before I got Rachel's diagnosis.... except the blessing is that this time, I really do feel like they are just fear-based dreams and not God's preparation for my heart like I did with Rachel. 

I had three dreams before my u/s with Rachel.  In each of them,  I went to my ultrasound and they told me she was dead.  I remember saying to my mom on the phone the day before my appointment that I just really couldn't shake the feeling that they were going to find something wrong with the baby. 

Everyone thought I was just paranoid because I had lost a baby before.

I wasn't.  God was preparing me.

BUT - this time I do think it is just my post traumatic stress from the depth of that pain.... so during the day, I usually (most of the time) feel fine and am not worried. (which I am SO thankful for) But at night.... sigh.  I can't take my dreams captive.  I wake up and go back to sleep and I'm in another ultrasound.... hearing the same words... or sneaking to peak at my chart because they won't tell me what they saw and finding the words written....

"SHE'S DEAD".  (written in big pink crayon in a child's writing)

And I just need prayers for this.  That God would control my dreams and my mind while I'm sleeping.  And that the next 10 days will go by fast so I can go see my baby on the screen and know for sure that all the organs are there.... and that I have a good chance of keeping this child.

Everyone thinks that because I had an u/s at 11 weeks that I am in the clear.  And I do know that my baby has a scull... which is awesome.  But there is a reason they do the screening at 20 weeks and it is because that is when you can see all the organs that you need in order to live outside the womb and how they are functioning and growing.  They can't even tell me from the 11 week u/s if the brain is developing correctly. 

And at this point in my life, I am more aware then I ever knew imaginable of how many details have to come together in order for a baby to be born and live.  It is a true miracle that is taken for granted by so many every. single. day.   And even after this u/s, I still will know that there is no guarantee that I will keep this baby - because it happens all the time.  So, I don't take any u/s as a definite that my baby is here to stay - and realize that the people who get confused as to why I wasn't convinced at my last u/s just simply have never lost a baby and don't understand.  I try not to get frustrated at their ignorance and to just know that in reality, although my life is at times harder emotionally, I have the better part.... the part where all I can do is lay it all down at the feet of Jesus and know that He is all I have - whether I keep this baby or not - and that if I do get to keep this precious gift, I will experience a deeper gratitude and love than I ever could have when I thought 'it' couldn't happen to me or that the first 12 weeks were all I had to get through before all was certain.

I am so grateful that I feel excited about this baby.  I'm not sure I ever experienced that with Asa that I can remember, so this is a true gift.  And I am thankful that in my waking hours, I usually feel pretty good physically and emotionally... and that even when I wake up from a horrible nightmare, I can look over and say to Matt "I just had a bad dream" and know it was just a dream.... There were so many days that I woke up after Rachel's diagnosis, trying to figure out if what I was feeling was real or if I was just coming out of a nightmare.... and I always came to and knew it was real.  I'm thankful this is (so far) just bad dreams. 

Please pray they will stop.  And actually, I'll just throw this request out there.... I've asked God a couple times (never used to dare to cause I didn't know if I could handle it) if I could just hold Rachel again in my dreams.  I have only had ONE dream about Rachel since she died.  I'd love to see her in my dreams more. Maybe God could replace these scary u/s dreams, that are fueled by my fear of feeling that pain again, with dreams of what I have to look forward to in heaven with my girl.....?  Can't hurt to ask.  At the very least, I'll take just plain old mindless sleep.  That would work too.  I'm not picky, just wanting some sleep.