He Was Always In Control

The other night before bed, I decided to look back in my journal to the day I found out I was pregnant with Rachel.  I knew this could be torture since I remembered only the happiness from that time in my life. 

I read it and was left speechless.

It was as if I knew right from day one.  And so I went on and read the next couple of entries... all saying the same thing.  I knew something was wrong and I couldn't shake it.  In my memory, I knew I felt that way before Rachel's ultrasound, but I remembered those thoughts and feelings coming much later - but that actually wasn't the case.

On April 17, 2010, I wrote these words:

"My 5th pregnancy confirmed today....  I'm almost scared to be excited.  I want to be free to rejoice in the miracle that God has created and is allowing me to carry, yet feel reserved.  It kind of stinks to know first hand how fragile life is and how little control we have over it.  God, please protect this baby.  Keep it safe and healthy and strong.  Please Lord, don't take it from us... we want to know him or her.  But please dear God helps us to glorify you in everything.  Thank you Jesus for this unexpected gift, who may just share your birthday... due 12/25!!"
 

And then on May 28, 2010: (a follow up u/s, after having the first u/s where they said it looked like I had a missed miscarriage because there was no baby showing in my sac)

" My Ultrasound went well.  They saw the baby and heartbeat.  But weren't able to hear it on the doppler at my first appt though, which was a bummer.  I know God is trying to get me to hope in Him - I've never had everything go wrong in a pregnancy like this before.  I am amazed at the peace I have had thru it - definitely God.  In my humanness, there would be no way.  I know the ball could drop at any moment and with how everything is going, it wouldn't be a surprise, but I don't feel scared.  It's weird, the peace that passes understanding... but I can see how God has prepared my heart with past experiences."
 

No matter what life brings my way, I have a God who hears and answers prayers.  He prepares us for the road ahead and even the pain has a purpose.   I remember later in my pregnancy thinking that God was preparing me for a child with Down Syndrome.  I remember walking one day with the kids and seeing the sweetest little girl with Downs and feeling like it was confirmation from God that I was heading down that road.  And when the ultrasound didn't go well, but we didn't know what was wrong yet, I prayed it was Down Syndrome.... I just wanted to keep her.  All I could say to Matt was "I don't care what is wrong with her, I just don't want her to die." as I sobbed, staring at the black and white photo in my hands.

But, even when God says 'no', there is a reason.  And I trust him.  Because so far since I have known Him, (and even before I knew Him, without my knowledge at the time) he has never let me down. 

I have never believed that the best way to love your children is to give them all they want or ask for. (I've seen the results of that in my home and other homes and it isn't pretty)  I believe that setting boundaries and not allowing my kids free reign is not only healthy for them, but best for them. (and the people who have to deal with them!)  I have also seen the fruit of what happens when children are taught they aren't the center of the universe and it is such a blessing.  And so why would I want any less from my Father towards me?  I don't.  Even when it leaves me wanting... in pain... feeling the weight of the sin in this world...even when I feel like life is unfair or when I have to take an honest look at my own heart and I don't like what I see...even when I have to say goodbye to my own child... because when I am weak, then He is strong.  And when I know for a fact that I am small and needy - that is when He is able to provide the best for me. 

So, today, I again look to Him to remind me that this place I am in right now has a purpose and that, even though it feels dry and weary, it is for my good.  He is in control.  Always was.  And I thankfully and humbly release the control to Him, knowing that He is much better at this stuff than me and will carry me through.  He always has.

Another amazing song on my new CD (thanks, Sue!!)  - pause player before playing - And I recommend turning this WAY up :)

 "Our God Is In Control"
Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
This is how it is
And our God is in control

This is not how it will be
When we finally will see
We'll see with our own eyes
He was always in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control

Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and see
That our God is in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

We're waiting for that day
We'll keep on waiting for that day
And we will rise
Our God is in control

(Holy, holy, holy) [x2]

Our God is in control

(Holy, holy, holy)

Our God is in control

(Holy, holy, holy)