When He Gave

Words are still escaping me....  but I couldn't let today go by without writing something. 

Throughout the day today, that day 3 years ago came to mind a few times.  The day we found out she was growing inside of me.  It was the first time I ever took a pregnancy test and honestly did not think there was a chance I would be pregnant.  And I guess if I was to try to sum up how I felt when it came to my mind... I would probably just say I miss it.  I miss that day and the weeks following.  I miss my ignorant bliss.

I miss when I didn't know her fate and when she was just alive.  When excitement and dreams to come were not ones that had to do with donating things in her memory or waiting for heaven - but ones of what it would be like to watch her grow.

I didn't have much sadness over it today - but as I write, it wells up inside of me....  and so maybe that is why I've been avoiding writing....  Or maybe I feel like I'm running out of things to say.  How many times can I say it?  Retell it?  How many ways can I explain it?  How could I possibly ever really put it all into words... all my love, sadness, joy and pain?

I can't. 

So today, I just thank Him for that day that He chose to give her to me - even though it was in His plan to take her back.... because she was never really mine in the first place - but He gave her to me.  And because through it all, I have learned in a way I could have never without my sweet Rachel Alice - He is faithful... and oh, so good to me.

Listen to this song that has just resonated with me this week....(pause player on bottom of blog before playing!)

"Faithful"

Steven Curtis Chapman

I am broken, I am bleeding,
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
Cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.
God You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.

So faithful...

Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the cross...to die...

You are faithful...
Yes, You are faithful...
When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!

And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe...

...You're faithful...