A Mother's Pain

5 years ago today, I found out for the first time that being a mother could be the most painful thing in the world.  Up until that day, I never knew it could hurt like that.

But on that day, I was 8 weeks pregnant and I felt something fall from me into the toilet.... I quickly scooped it out and inspected it in a little cup and although I really in my heart of hearts felt like it was my baby still in its sac, since I had no other pain or bleeding up until that point, I convinced myself it was just a blood clot and flushed it down the toilet.

I called the doctor and they scheduled me to come in for an ultrasound a few hours later.  They said just to stay off my feet and drink water....I was probably just dehydrated.  I started to feel some cramping, but it wasn't painful like I had heard miscarriages were.

I went into that ultrasound expecting the worst, hoping for the best.  She did the scan and said nothing.  She pulled out the scope and it was covered in blood.  She still said nothing.  She had me move into a regular room and said nothing.  We waited....

The doctor came in and said "I'm sorry, there was nothing left."  I started crying and she gave me a minute and then interrupted my tears with "I see you're wearing a cross, do you have a religious group you can call for support?"

I nodded and kept crying.  Immediately I knew I had flushed my baby down the toilet.  What kind of mother does that?

I went home that day feeling like life had been stripped from me.  And it had.  I had only known for 4 weeks that I was carrying another child and already I was deeply connected.  God made us mothers that way.... I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat.... I couldn't stop crying.  It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life.  I remember conversation after conversation as I gave our families and friends the news.... "It must have had something wrong with it".... "At least it happened now"..... "It was just a little zygote"..... "Don't worry, you can have another one"...... "This is why you should wait until 12 weeks to tell anyone".....

And then that weekend.... Mother's Day.  It was the first time I tasted joy and sorrow mingled.  Celebrating my other two children... being a mom... and grieving the loss of a child so freshly.

I had no idea that later on down the road, I would experience anything worse.  I didn't think it possible. 

2 years ago today, we had the grand opening at Rachel's Playground.  I picked the build for her playground to end that day specifically to include Baby Aube #3 - and that year, it also landed on Mother's Day, which I felt would be perfect.  I didn't think it could actually hurt.  But again, I was surprised by the places where pain can move in.  All day I had people telling me what an amazing Mother's Day it must be for me.... what an amazing gift to get on Mother's Day.... how it must remove some of the bitterness to my first Mother's Day without Rachel.

It didn't.  And couldn't.  And only someone who has never buried a child would think it could - or dare I say it... a man.  And I do not say that with ANY negative tone or sarcasm... it is just the way it is, men do not feel it the same way women do.  It's just different for them.  And many of them, even ones who have lost children have no idea the depth of the mother's pain....even if they want to.  I look at her playground and most of the time, I feel like I am looking at a huge sign that says "She is gone."  I want to feel happy.  I want to feel good.  But usually those times come when it's just me, Matt and the kids playing and I know that everyone there knows and remembers that she is gone too.  Otherwise it just tends to hurt - and I have a hard time hiding that so honestly, I hardly ever go out there after church service.  I hate to be the party pooper.

Since Rachel, I have not grieved our 3rd baby like I did before her.  At times I feel guilty about it, but just like I never knew how much it could hurt to miscarry a baby, I was not prepared for how different the pain would be after Rachel and it totally caught me off guard.  More than that, I was not prepared for how long this pain would last.... or for the fact that another baby wouldn't heal that pain at all.

But today, for some reason, my 3rd baby was heavy on my heart again.  And 'ironically' I woke up to a bunch of my tulips in bloom and the 3rd Hyacinth (I forgot I planted for Rachel in the fall) had poked thru the ground.... and then I discovered that a few of my Forget me nots had also bloomed. 

Tonight, I asked Des to pick our hymn and she picked Holy Holy Holy. Without any knowledge of today being the anniversary or that it was the song we had sang together the day before I miscarried.

I'm not sure why God has me in this place today.  I'm not sure why all these memories are flooding back and Rachel's garden seems to be shining for our other baby in heaven instead of her right now.  And I have no idea how to sum up what is on my heart or in my mind, so I guess I'll just leave you with the lyrics to a song that had me in tears as I prepared dinner tonight. 

"Who Am I"

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

 

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

 

And here's the video if you want to listen to it....