Friday, May 10, 2013

The Aubes and the All Good Very Bad Day

We left at 8 am to go to an appointment for three of the kids.  I booked them together so as to only have to make one trip... and it went really well since it was right after breakfast and nobody was cranky yet. 

We weren't far from Rachel, so that also let me get there earlier which was nice.  We pulled up and at the same time I noticed, Desirae said "Hey, there is a path of dandelions leading to Rachel's grave!"  And there really was... it was like a path was cleared through all the flowers just for us to walk over to her and there was a perfect line of bright yellow right up to her stone.

The kids ran over and started yelling to me that someone had left something.  I went over to see and they scattered to run and play.  One of my favorite sounds ever is the sound of them giggling and chasing each other while I visit Rachel's grave....  I stood there looking at the stone that was left, remembering how the "It was then that I carried you" quote applied so much to both how I was blessed to carry Rachel and be carried by God at the same time.  I thought back to the rainbow of her footprints that I made and also how I put that full poem on the back of her funeral program with a picture of her cute little feet and all of a sudden it hit me....  only one set of footprints.... I never got to see her feet grow.  It's not as if I didn't know it, but the thought of never seeing her footprints grow... ever... brought me to tears.  I swear, grief is the most unpredictable thing in the world.
Thank you to whoever left this!
I don't often cry there, and if I do, it's not usually hard... this morning I cried - and hard.  Des heard me and came over to hug me.  Isaiah came over and asked "What is it?" with a confused look on his face.  And I have to say, it made me realize that, if my children are confused when they see me cry there, it means they don't view a cemetery as a sad or scary place.... which honestly, makes me feel pretty good as their mother - to know that they understand death, but aren't afraid of it.  That they know the soul is separate from the body and that their sister's is safe in heaven because of Jesus.  That they haven't lost their innocence through this trial.  That even though we have always been completely honest with them about it all and never sheltered them from the truth, they aren't heavy hearted or emotionally scarred.  And in fact, today I realized that they are actually so much stronger and more secure than they ever could have been without watching me walk this road honestly and openly.
No sooner did I have those thoughts and I turned to find Samuel with his pants dropped at the line of the woods, peeing on a tree.  I won't lie, we all started cracking up.... my kids aren't the pee outside kind of kids because we live in the city and never go camping - so I guess Matt needs to teach them how to pee outside with a little more modesty! (not that I'm saying they learned this from his example!)  Pants around your ankles, facing the road, in the open isn't it!  But boy, it was funny.  They all ran off laughing and played hide-n-seek for a few while I finished up and wiped my eyes and we left... with Sam saying "That was fun at Rachel's grave" as we drove off..... 

So, the day was going good.... but it was only 9:45.... I decided to stop at Walmart.  I've been needing to for a week and haven't had the energy so I went.  Everything was going fantastic until we got almost to the end of shopping and I realized that it was 11:15 and my prenatal appt was at 11am!  I grabbed the last Mother's Day card I needed and attempted to fly out of there - but this is where it all started.

I picked the SLOWEST cashier EVER.  Who also was really nice and relaxed.  Meaning, she wanted to talk to me about everything I was buying... how cute it was, if I wanted the hangers, and she also liked to bag VERY precisely... and roll her neck a lot  ??  She asked me at one point if I was ok because I looked stressed.  I told her I had forgot my appt and was running really behind... she grabbed the sponges that she was ringing through and started going thru bags ALREADY IN THE CART to find the one that had the dish soap in it because she wanted to bag them together.... I appreciate her thoroughness... but is she serious?!  Just put them in a bag lady....  so, this is when my patience started going....

Then, we get to the van and Sam smashes his head and starts screaming... I called and moved my appt... told them I could be there in 25 minutes... stopped and spent money we don't have on fast food... and was looking like I was going to be able to pull it together... until the dude 5 cars up decided to go 30 in a 45... the entire drive back to town.... 

I got to my new appt 5 minutes late - and realized.... I was supposed to drink that drink for my glucose test!  ergh....  we went in and I told them, not only was I late for my 2nd appt today, but I also forgot to be prepared for it.  I asked if I could leave the kids in the waiting room, which I never do, figuring they would be happier and more content if they could just keep playing out there.  About 5 minutes into my appt, I hear SCREAMING - and more than one person doing it....  I went to get them... Sam started yelling about how he had to poop, Asa was now sitting in poop (and did I have the diaper bag? no, I didn't) and when I brought them into the room with me, Isaiah picked up the model of a vagina and said "So, that's what an ear drum looks like!"  Nope, honey, that's a vagina...
They somehow all managed to leave there after hearing their heartbeats again on the doppler and with their own measuring tape.... and all the people in the place feeling bad for me.  My goal: get home and do naptime and sit on the couch until my eyes stopped hurting. 

I again measured 4 weeks too big and had another large weight gain so she scheduled an ultrasound for next Wed. Please pray I am smart enough to get a sitter for that! haha.... I've never worried about gaining too much weight, and actually I expect it - all my healthy babies brought along some extra weight for me - the only times I didn't gain a lot, I either miscarried, was about to - or later found a serious birth defect that left me skinny, but broken hearted... so I am not one to worry about gaining weight while pregnant, I actually find more comfort in that than the opposite....and my perpective is just much different since Rachel so I hardly care about the vain side of all of this - but I will say that I'm slightly concerned because the numbers don't make sense, I've been in a lot of pain, and I am nervous about early labor. 

Anyway, I had to run to the Post Office and I was so relieved to be almost home after my morning - now much past the baby's nap time... only to be told by a flagger that they had JUST started paving the end of my street and I couldn't go home.  She said I had to give it a half an hour.  Asa was still in poop and screaming... I now had food, including freezer stuff that I bought at Walmart that had been in the hot van for over 2 hours, still sitting there... and I pulled over and just started bawling.  I called Matt and gave him the short version of the above, except in a very pathetic pregnant mama weepy voice, with some sobbing in between.... and then pulled it together, changed the baby (without baby wipes, because why would those be in a diaper bag??) and we went to Wendy's to use the free Frosty cards my friend Michelle gave me last week!  (I knew there was a good reason I forgot them when I wanted them last week)  It was a perfect way to pass the time, everyone was happy (I put on a few more ounces!) and on the way home I appologized to the kids for forgetting my appointment and making our day stressful and Isaiah said "Mama, I hope your day gets better... I've never seen you cry over a bad day before."  I laughed and in my "don't -worry-Mama's-got-this" voice I said "Well guys, even when days are bad, God is still good...."

And now we're home... have I mentioned I love it here?  The only thing better will be when Matt walks through the door in a few minutes and I get to hear my babies all run and scream "Daddddy!!!" and wait to get the last kiss as I greet him at the door and patiently wait for him to hug all the kids first - with my big ol' belly full of baby E and my heart still full of my sweet Rachel.  I do love Fridays.....even hard ones.

1 comment:

  1. Even if it was a hard friday you write it in such funny tone. I had to giggle a lot :o) You are doing such a great job and your kids are great!
    Hugs and prayers, anja


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Thank you! ♥ The Aubes