In The Garden

Doesn't happen often, but Friday landed on a 3rd.... and it's May, which for some reason is always a bit tough - I think because of Mother's Day and because it was on Mother's Day that we first announced we were expecting again in 2010.  Our 4th little one was on her way.....

I had a really emotional morning on Wednesday - couldn't stop crying... so I decided to go and see if Rachel's tulips were in bloom at her grave - and they were...  But only 2 of them.  The rest just aren't coming up.  I don't get it.  The same thing is happening here - over 100 bulbs in the ground and only 18 have tulips coming up.  Some just have greenery and some just never came up at all.  It looks like the daisies might not come back... and the ones at her playground garden don't seem too happy either.  I'm trying to not get too discouraged, but it is hard since I have planted all these things with her on my heart...some while I was pregnant with her... and I can't seem to keep them alive either.

On Friday, I wanted to bring her something -  but I just couldn't get my thoughts straight enough to figure out what.  So I just went.  Her spot looks pretty right now as it is anyway.  We left and I had to stop and get gas, which left me in the wrong position to get on the highway so I took a different route towards home.  I took another 'wrong' turn and ended up outside of a hardware store in town that was selling soil outside.  My plan was to stop at Walmart on the way home so I could get some soil for my garden and work in it for Rachel's day.... so I stopped, figuring it would be easier than bringing all the kids into Walmart.  I picked out what I wanted in the parking lot and then we went in to pay. The guy noticed my tattoo....

"I love that tattoo, by the way" he said. 

"That's my little girl's hand" I said with a smile.

"Most people do footprints, I like that it is a handprint." he said.

"She died the day she was born, but she had the most amazing hands and these great little dimples across her knuckles so that's why I picked her hand instead - I really loved her hands." I responded.

And when he came out to load the back of the van, I showed him the pic I have on the back of it with her hands in the heart shape....

And then every time I thought of it for the rest of the day, I either cried or really wanted to.

The boys helped me unload the bags when we got home.  They lugged those huge bags out of the van and to the right garden beds so that I wouldn't have to lift.  They are very sweet.  Then they followed me around and helped me spread it out and pull weeds.  I love spending my days with these guys and having them work beside me and to be able to teach them what (little) I know about gardening.   Isaiah and I had a great conversation about how I relate weeds to sin and the importance of tearing it out of your heart before the roots get too deep and harder to remove....since he could feel the difference in some of them as he pulled them out, it was like a light bulb went on and he really got it.  It was a precious time with him.

I worked in the garden all afternoon.  Love that I can.  Wish there was more I could actually do for her. And even more than that... I wish I could have her working beside me in the garden.  I feel her there in a different way.  I know we are forever connected through Jesus Christ and that He meets me there in a special way.... and while I'm so grateful for that and so overwhelmed by His presence and how he reminds me she is still alive....and even MORE alive with Him.... I can't help but wish she was next to me too.  Right here.... watching each of these plants peek through the soil and eventually bloom. Having little talks and watching those cute little hands try to copy what I'm doing.  To wonder at God's creation with her.  I miss her a lot in the garden.

But I know that she is probably thinking something similar.... just waiting to show me what a garden in heaven looks like....  we won't have to weed there.... and I bet all the tulips and daisies are always in bloom.  I can't wait to be with her in the garden.