My circumstances didn't exactly scream "This is a perfect time to be pregnant!!" and yet, I was secretly hoping for two lines. I saw the secretary from my attorney's office approach the front door, I met her there and took the bag from her. "Let us know how it goes" she said as she left.
I held onto the test, not able to think about anything else until my first break around 10am. I went in the stinky bathroom and peed on the stick. Immediately there were two dark lines. I looked up at my reflection in the mirror with nothing but excitement, like a little child on the way to an amusement park. I had no idea the ride I was in for, but I couldn't wait to experience it!
I guess in my naivety I didn't expect people to tell me it would be 'more responsible' or the 'right thing to do' to abort my baby. I was not a believer then, nor was I exactly pro-life, but I was already in love. Abortions, I thought, were for the young girls who get raped or are 'too young to be a parent' or just didn't want a baby... and since at that point in my life truth and what was right were relative, and I didn't think those applied to me - why would anyone else?
I remember making the collect calls excitedly whispering (because I couldn't let the jail know that I had met up with anyone to get the test) about my new baby. Matt was excited (I have mentioned he's amazing right? Just 20 years old, pregnant girlfriend in jail and he was all in and ready to support me) When I got my first letter from someone in Matt's family who I hardly knew at that point (because I hardly knew HIM!) saying it would be best to abort my baby, I was devastated. And for the next few weeks, that wouldn't be the last person suggesting it.
Ironically, it was that very letter, in that hard situation, that started to change my belief about the "Pro-Choice" movement. I now know it is actually a Pro-Abortion movement and really has nothing to do with what the girl who is pregnant wants (otherwise people wouldn't pressure them to move as quickly as possible and under educate them about such a huge decision) But more to do with their own belief about life and what is important to THEM. I clearly wanted my baby and these people weren't offering me help with diapers, but instead telling me why I should abort and offering help with payment for her murder. That would be my sweet, unbelievably smart, gentle, loving and witty Desirae May's murder.
It doesn't change what it is just because you don't yet know what color her hair would be, how smart she would be, or how beautifully she would play the piano. And it doesn't change what it is because I haven't yet proven my abilities to care for her or because you don't yet know that I was to be released from jail early.....which I was. It is murder and it's presented as a good way out of a bad mistake - for both you and the baby who won't have to be subjected to your poor circumstances if you make a better choice and end it's life. ??
I am so thankful that I didn't believe the lies that I was better off without her or that I was unable to care for her. The fear tactics people used to get me to get rid of my 'problem'.... "You'll have this baby in jail and when you do, my mom will have to take care of it while Matt works two jobs to try to support it... I wonder if mom would be so excited if she knew of these ramifications" Crushing my heart and trying to take any ounce of excitement away when I had nothing else to live for in life. What for? Because she actually truly believed that was a better decision than having my baby. I think she truly believed I needed to hear that people would support me if I realized what a mistake I was making... and my favorite line in the letter "Nobody would even have to know." Except, I would. God would. And all these years later, I would still be suffering alone because I know that people do not welcome conversations about how you aborted your baby. If they turn away when I talk about Rachel, I can only imagine the response a post abortive mother gets as she tries to grieve the baby she lost, even if by her own 'choice'. And this is where I would strongly encourage you not to judge people who have had abortions, because believe me, they didn't get away from that free. No matter what anyone tries to convince people, abortion hurts everyone involved. every. single. time.
I'm so glad that fear didn't take over... and instead that God used her - that jail 'pregnancy' - to help me, to draw me to Him, and to change my life for better forever. Only a God like mine could - and would be willing through his mercy and grace - to take a situation like that, where I was living so against Him, and use it for my good and His glory. And has He ever.
I first stepped foot in a church when Desirae was 18 months old because I was a single mother and wanted to do something good 'for her'. Imagine that.... God using a mother's love and devotion to draw her to Himself.... He makes us with that instinct for a reason. Later, He used Desirae again to draw Matt to a relationship with Jesus and our family was reunited and now loves and follows Him together. Desirae was the glue that kept us together as we made our way to Jesus.
I woke up today and the first thought on my mind was "I've been a mother for 11 years." Anniversaries really stay with me. I'm so thankful that I am not grieving an anniversary now of a 'choice' I made 11 years ago that I cannot take back. And I am so thankful for every minute of the past 11 years with this child - and all the ways my life is different because of her. This is why I strongly encourage you to never judge a young, unwed mother. God has a plan in everything. When you see a young girl with no ring and a huge belly, pray for her (WITH her!) - that God will bless her for welcoming His child and use that child to save her soul from eternity in hell. Pray for protection on that baby, but rejoice that she didn't kill it. Not just for the baby, but for her too. Pray that it will change her life. Offer to help her...be His hands and feet in her life....tell her the truth....but don't judge her. God has that taken care of.
I came downstairs and made a coffee. I told Des what today was and her response was "Can we have some ice cream?" (apparently I've taught her the right way to celebrate!!) :) We sat down to do our catechism, and I couldn't help but drift into thought about that morning in the Dunkin Donuts bathroom all those years ago. Just as I did, I saw one of Desirae's friend's mothers pull up. It was not even 8am and she's only been here once before to drop Des off after a play date, so I was confused. I looked at Matt and asked if we were expecting Monica for any reason.... I went to the door and she said "Donut Delivery!" as she handed me 6 Dunkin Donuts, one for each of us.
I don't suppose God was letting me know He still remembers that day too, 11 years ago in the Dunkins bathroom when I gratefully welcomed His child.... He is in every single detail, through every situation. Sometimes it's a big news delivery on a Friday morning, all alone in a stinky bathroom at the donut shop - and sometimes it's the small donut delivery surrounded by my family on a Friday morning at home.....And sometimes it is in the way He can make them happen on the same day 11 years apart (of course, on Fridays) when He knows I will notice.
All of my kids have a flower that represents them in my heart... Desirae's is the pink carnation... and so today when I stopped to pick up Rachel's daisies, I had them wrap up a pretty pink carnation for my big girl too. I brought it out to her and said "Thanks for making me a Mama" and she was SO excited... She said "First Dunkin Donuts and now a pink carnation!" I smiled at how closely that resembled my pregnancy with her.... it started at Dunkins and ended with a beautiful pink flower.
I saw Matt pull up after work with a long red rose and smiled.... He had stopped at the same flower shop I had gone to earlier to get me some daisies and they told him that I had already been in and that I bought Rachel and Des both flowers... so he got me a rose instead.
So this morning we all ate donuts for breakfast and tonight, all the Aube girls have pretty fresh flowers. And of course, we celebrated with ice cream, which helped the boys to not feel left out! It's been a good day.
|Matt had Asa hand it to me... he really wanted to keep it!|