True Love

Singing "My Jesus, I love thee" (one of the best hymns ever) together tonight on the couch during our family devotions....

Asa was giving me each foot, one at a time, for me to pick out his toe jam and I was doing it gladly without thinking twice....

Sam interrupted the song to say "Daddy, you have big teeth" as he sang along with him about 3 inches from his face.

Isaiah was going between really quiet and extremely loud depending on which words he knows.

Des was getting frustrated that we were off beat from the instrumental version we were listening to as background music.

My Little E was dancing around and seemingly trying to get away from big brother Asa who kept kicking my belly with his chubby feet because my toe jam removal was tickling him.

It was a very unorganized display of worship, and yet I knew it was pleasing to God as we loved each other and sang to him.  We are so blessed in so many ways.  The only thing that would make this any better would be if the little girl who made these lyrics so meaningful to me was here with us too.  I bet she would have been twirling around the living room.

I can't remember, but I'm sure I had heard this song before I was pregnant with Rachel, but it was during my time with her that this song became one of my favorites.  At a time when it would have been so easy to be upset with God for the lot He was giving me, I was never so grateful to him... and I think it all came down to the fact that until Rachel, heaven never mattered so much to me.  Because until her, it seemed to be just an intangible place far away that wouldn't apply to me for a long time.  I know as Christians we are supposed to long to be there, but I'll admit it, I didn't.  I loved my earthly life too much to want to be anywhere else, even if it was supposed to be better. 

But as I prepared to meet her and then send her so quickly off to a place where she would still live, but could only go because of Jesus  - and I only had a guarantee of seeing her again because of my belief and trust in His death on the cross...  well, my love for him could only get deeper.  As my pride was diminished in the realization of my dependence on him, His forgiveness of my sins could only be more beautiful.  The sacrifice He made for me more amazing.  The hope of being reunited with her and His promise to carry me until I get there no matter how painful it is along the way.... knowing He was going to take better care of her than I ever could and eventually all of my earthy pain would cease forever....

I'm not sure I can put words to what that feels like....to be able to call Jesus mine and to know I am His.  I'm not sure I can describe what it means to love him in death...the death of my daughter... all I can say is it's way more real and deep and humbling and joyful and awe-filled than anything I ever experienced as I loved him through life before her.  And when I truly started to understand how deep His love for me is and how trustworthy and faithful He is, even when His plan is not what I would choose....  I wonder if perhaps that is when I really began to understand what Love is at all.  I'm not sure I knew True Love before. I thought I did, but I had no idea what I was missing.  It's amazing.

And so while Isaiah's prayer during our prayer time following our songs was "Please don't let the new baby be like Rachel" and I understand what he means,  I am so thankful that Rachel was and is exactly who she was and is.  Because as I sing "If ever I loved Thee, My Jesus, 'tis now" and I feel the tears come to my eyes with gratitude for what He has done for me and my sweet baby, I know that this journey has been a true gift to me in so many ways. 

Jesus, thank You for this hard road so paved with Your True Love and the story of You, my gracious Redeemer and Savior.  Thank you for allowing me the privilege of mothering Rachel, for taking her to heaven to be with you fully, and for the promise of eternity with you both.  I love You Lord....more than ever before....I love You.

 

My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine;
For Thee all the follies of sin I resign;
My gracious Redeemer, my Savior art Thou;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

 

I love Thee because Thou hast first loved me,
And purchased my pardon on Calvary’s tree;
I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

I’ll love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death,
And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath;
And say when the death dew lies cold on my brow,
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

 

In mansions of glory and endless delight,
I’ll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright;
I’ll sing with the glittering crown on my brow,
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.