We have had nothing but sunshine for weeks and this weekend was rainy. I woke up to pouring rain and was slightly disappointed. Rain is never fun at the cemetery and I knew I wanted to get there. I grabbed my daisy umbrella on the way out to church and accepted that God must have something in this rain for me - and it might not be for today.
At church, we sang the song "You dance over me, while I am unaware, You sing all around, but I never hear a sound.... Lord I'm amazed by You, Lord I'm amazed by You, Lord I'm amazed by You... how You love me."
Baby E hardly ever moves (at least that I feel) while I am up and moving around... but I could feel the dance moves going.... I smiled as I remembered how Rachel always did that - didn't matter if I was standing or not, that girl danced....especially during worship. I was also overwhelmed with the thoughts of how amazingly God loves me - and how the dance that Rachel & I had together was not just the two of us... He was in every step. I was brought right back to the day she was born.... no sound at all, and yet I could feel Him there and I knew she was there...and somehow when her soul left her body, I could feel it - even though not much changed about her body yet....and in that moment, I think I felt more of Him than I ever had before and ever will again. Dancing over me... singing all around....welcoming my little girl into His arms....
During the sermon, the program from Rachel's service slipped from a few pages back in my bible... I looked at Matt and the tears just fell. I didn't think I was fighting them back, I hadn't felt overly emotional yet, but in that moment I really wanted them to stop and they wouldn't. I can't believe I really lost a child.
We left and went for our Mother's Day trip to the greenhouse. This has turned into an annual thing. It's one of my favorite places to go and if I can go with my family and they are excited to be there... even better!!
|I began my 3rd trimester today!! 28 weeks!|
If you remember, last year we 'accidentally' stumbled upon annual dahlias called "Rachel". I just reread my post about last year's Mother's Day.... I'm glad I write because I didn't remember most of it. You can read it HERE. God is very good.
I had told Matt that for my gift this year, all I wanted was to get some plants for my garden. I knew I wanted the same "Rachel" Dahlias, but wasn't sure they'd have them again. And Matt said he had bought me a pot that he wanted to get a house plant for. We found the dahlias pretty easily, and I was so relieved. Picked up 6 this year, one for each of the kids, and then picked out some flowers for Rachel's grave. I picked out some yellow ones since yellow (ironically not pink or purple!) has always been a color that reminds me of her. I started to second guess that maybe I wanted a more vibrant color and decided to check the names... the yellow ones were called "Sunshine".... In the cart they went!
I couldn't believe how smoothly the trip was going - and because it wasn't sunny, it wasn't 100 degrees in there like usual, which was much more enjoyable. We made our way into the section for house plants and stopped at the first table. I picked up a cute little plant and looked at the name.... "Hope" Imagine that! first one I touched! I showed Matt and he said "That's the one! I prayed that this day would be special for you. God is answering." and he put it in the cart. I asked "How much is it?" and words I never hear come from my husband's mouth came out.... "I don't care how much it is, it's perfect."
I read the back of the card to check what it required for care... it reads "Thick green rounded leaves with a trailing habit and low water requirements... this plant is a survivor." If you read my post from last year, you will see that when I summed up my feelings on the day, I said "I survived it."
I have survived this entire journey on one thing alone.... HOPE. Hope in miracles, Hope in Jesus, Hope in heaven. This plant was heaven sent, just like the Rachel Dahlias were last year. I'm thankful for moments like these when I know that God is still present - still leading us - still caring about the details of our life after losing Rachel. Still giving us Hope to plant... and letting us see Rachel bloom through His perfect combination of rain and sunshine.
|He even potted it for me when we got home!|